If It Looks Like Tuna, It’s A Can Of Worms

You never know. But I do.

No doubt this occurred to someone else, too, but this keeping-the-chair-warm-for-Bill-Parcells deal - that officially makes Bill Belichick “Tuna Helper,” right?

I’m among those in favor of closing Hangman Golf Course, but only because I shot 107 - with mulligans - the last time I played it.

Fearing leaks regarding personnel decisions, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones has put a gag order on his employees. For the rest of us, it’s a reflex.

Riddick Bowe’s joining the Marines? Advice to the Iraqi army: Aim low.

I look forward to the return of the Seattle Seahawks’ training camp to Eastern Washington University, and also to the day when Paul Allen tells Mark Drummond he needs a new facility - at taxpayer expense, of course.

Let’s see … Mitch Richmond, Chris Webber, Latrell Sprewell, Patrick Ewing … yeah, if I’m the Dallas Mavericks, Don Nelson is the guy I’d want handling personnel matters.

According to employees at The Keg, a Seattle rathskeller, Shawn Kemp was boozing it up until closing time on the eve of the Sonics’ Sunday afternoon loss to the Bulls. Hmm. Wonder if he’s free for Hoopfest? That’s just what’s keeping Kemp from being a player of Michael Jordan’s stature. At least when M.J. stayed out all ‘til all hours before a big game, it’s because the dice were running hot.

Congrats to those gutty, gritty Nordicphiles who braved the fresh Mount Spokane powder at Langlauf. Boy, you’ve got to hate it when it actually snows at a ski race.

Note to Mariners fans: Your hearts might be saying “Jose Cruz Jr.,” but your eyes had better get used to seeing Rich Amaral and Lee Tinsley in left field.

When Jesse Jackson said on behalf of Dennis Rodman, “It’s one thing to punish a man - it’s another to take away his dignity,” was he scolding David Stern or the guy who designed the black leather slit-skirt Dennis wore on TV the other night?

This year’s Los Angeles Marathon will have a division for in-line skaters. Bloomsday could do that, providing it had a pave car.

Sheryl Swoopes will miss the first season of the Women’s National Basketball Association, but she has a note from her obstetrician. That sound you heard was Derrick Coleman hitting himself in the forehead and saying, “Now why didn’t I think of that?”

To avoid being ejected from a game for unsportsmanlike conduct, a soccer player in England gave the referee a teammate’s name. That sound you heard was Dennis Rodman hitting himself in the forehead and saying, “Now why didn’t I think of that?”

Now everytime Oksana Baiul fails to land her triple axel, I’ll be thinking, “under the influence.”

Sonics’ strategy behind throwing $32 million at Jim McIlvaine is so that, when George Karl only plays him 20 minutes a game, he won’t bitch the way Ervin Johnson did.

Tavares Mack, off the Cougar basketball team, lack of interest. Back at ya, T.

My favorite sport, track and field, really capitalized on the momentum of the Olympics. Let’s see. Two meets on the indoor circuit go under. Donovan Bailey and Michael Johnson wrangle WWF-style over a match race. And the most compelling figure Hollywood can find to immortalize on celluloid is 20 years dead.

On the other hand, what does it say for the NBA that the major theatrical releases in the pro hoops genre this past year were “Celtic Pride,” “Eddie,” and “Space Jam?”

The next time an old fogey like me starts a harangue about the depraved, unprincipled contemporary athlete and/or coach, remind me that my cronies just conspired to vote a consummate sleazebag like Wally Butts into the College Football Hall of Fame. This pretty much paves the way for Lawrence Phillips, I’d say.

Sure, teams keep drafting kids out of high school, but don’t think the NBA isn’t serious about its Stay In School program. The Milwaukee Bucks, peeved that the same group of kids is always waiting outside their practice facility, have instituted a policy of no autographs on school days.

George Karl started in the other day, “The thing I hate about my team more than anything else …” Hey, he may make a sports writer yet.

New career opportunity for Martin Lawrence: he’s up for the lead in “The Oliver McCall Story.”

, DataTimes The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = John Blanchette The Spokesman-Review