I Know That He Is Lying To Me

“I have a sinking feeling that my husband Gil is seeing Irene - the wife of one of our friends - and lying to me about it,” says Audry, 29, who’s been married for eight years and is the mother of a 2-year-old daughter.

Audry married the boy next door. “Gil and I grew up together and I never had any doubt that I could trust him completely.” During the first years they were married, she and Gil were “as close as the fingers on your hand. We danced, we skied, we played golf and tennis.”

But a year ago, she noticed small things that began to worry her. Gil was putting in more time at work, but she chalked that up to the fact that he really wanted to prove to her and to his parents - who gave them the seed money to buy the sporting goods store he now owns - that he could succeed. But if she called the store, many times his employees couldn’t find him.

Soon, the evidence became indisputable: The last time she and Gil played golf with Irene and her husband, Gil rested his hand a little too long on Irene’s shoulder when he was showing her how to swing. Audry’s next-door neighbor and best friend saw him having lunch with Irene recently at a restaurant.

“When I questioned Gil, he immediately denied anything was amiss. When I tried to pin him down, he got so angry, he left the house and didn’t come back until near dawn,” she adds.

Audry has always considered it a sin, she says, for married people to hold back the smallest secret. “Years ago, I even told Gil about the silly crush I had on a ski instructor,” she recalls. Audry doesn’t want a divorce, but she’s beginning to think it might be inevitable.

Gil, 31, admits he had “a brief crush on Irene a year ago, but that’s all it was,” he declares. Why must Audry interrogate him over and over again? “Even if I could put into words the ins and outs of long-gone feelings, the details Audry clamors for, what good would it do?”

Gil insists he loves his wife, but he doesn’t feel he has to tell her every little thing. “Not telling doesn’t mean I’m being disloyal - it just means I’m being private. Why can’t she trust me?”

Should spouses keep secrets?

“Even in the closest relationships, partners keep certain secrets - and that’s not always bad as long as it’s done for only a limited amount of time,” notes Jane Greer, Ph.D., a New York marriage and family therapist.

Some secrets are designed to protect. If, for example, you have a crush on your aerobics teacher, but have never acted on that romantic interest, it’s probably better not to tell your husband. Audry’s confession about the ski instructor early in their marriage demolished Gil’s already shaky self-esteem, causing him to feel pain and humiliation years later.

Other secrets give you a safe space to strengthen your individuality and an opportunity to hold on to something until you can better express your needs or interests.

Secrets you can keep: If they protect your partner’s selfesteem. Details about your past sex life, when they have no relevance to your marriage now, are better kept to yourself. Think about why you feel pressured to tell: To get rid of your guilt? To hurt or get back at a spouse in some way?

If it gives you some private time to decide how you feel about an event or issue. Everyone deserves a measure of privacy and independence.

Miscellaneous events of daily life, which, in the long run, won’t affect your relationship. You forgot to mail the bills you promised to? Do it now, and don’t tell. His suit is still sitting in your car because you forgot to take it to the dry cleaner? Keep mum and take it tomorrow.

When the truth would be hurtful or cruel, or if it was never acted on - for example, the mild flirtation with a married colleague that will never amount to anything.

Secrets you should share: If you’ve behaved in any way that compromises the trust between you. Painful as it might be, this needs to be carefully discussed and worked through.

If keeping the secret means you will do so at the expense of another important relationship.

If you deliberately intended to mislead or deceive. Honest communication is the cornerstone of a solid, healthy marriage. If you don’t feel you can safely confide in a spouse - for fear of retribution, disapproval or criticism - you have a trust problem that may warrant professional counseling.