Pals With Mom Mother-Daughter Relationships Can Be Emotioanl War Zones, But An Author And Her Child Are Writing A New Scenario

Mother-daughter. It’s one of the most written about, most troubled over, most maligned relationships in the history of procreation.

From Lizzie Borden and her step-mother to Christina Crawford and her adoptive mommy dearest, bad mother-daughter relationships have scorched our collective psyche. When handled badly, mother-daughter relationships lead to deep emotional scars and to what psychologists and psychiatrists now euphemistically call “food issues.”

But it doesn’t have to be, says Barbara Mintzer-McMahon, an Orinda, Calif., family, marriage and child counselor who specializes in relationships of all kinds.

Mothers and daughters need the same things - mostly each other. Learning to embrace and support each other can result in good emotional and physical health.

Mintzer-McMahon and her daughter, 13-year-old Kate McMahon, are writing a book about mother-daughter relationships. It started out as a collection of things that worked, and didn’t work, for them.

It’s evolving into a compilation of stories from other moms and daughters. Kate quizzes her friends and classmates about how they get along with their mothers. Mintzer-McMahon talks to the adults.

Like any relationship, the one between mothers and daughters changes with time and age. If things are going to go wrong, it usually begins in preadolescence when mothers are tempted to live vicariously through their daughters, and daughters start trying to develop personalities separate from their mothers.

“In same-sex parent-child relationships,” Mintzer-McMahon says, “when you look at one another, you see reflections of yourself. From the mother’s perspective, sometimes the relationship with her daughter is like a relay race. She has a torch to pass on. But the daughter may be in the relay race whether she wanted to be or not. It can be a volatile connection.”

Even the best relationships can inadvertently be shaped by words or actions. Often, Mintzer-McMahon says, family celebrations are centered on food. Feeling bad? Have some chocolate.

Food becomes a focal part of the celebration, or a comfort in difficult times.

Problems can multiply if the daughter is overweight. The mother may feel guilty and may try to force the daughter onto a strict diet or into an exercise program. Tensions can build.

Communication and compromise is the key, Mintzer-McMahon and Kate say.

“I ask my friends what works, what their mother does for them to keep them in shape,” Kate says, “and most of my friends have the same answers. Their mothers give them opportunities to exercise and keep them eating healthy foods. And when they have low self-esteem, they give them compliments.

It can be difficult to balance nutrition and exercise, but Mintzer-McMahon says it’s another tool in building a healthy emotional relationship.

Mintzer-McMahon, an avid runner who works out several times a week at a gym, and Kate like to exercise together, but life kept getting in the way. Kate couldn’t keep up with her mother on long runs, which meant Mintzer-McMahon had to alter her pace and program to compensate. Neither was happy with the results.

Most gyms don’t allow children younger than 15 to use equipment without a personal trainer, which limited the time mother and daughter could spend together. And Mintzer-McMahon’s work schedule often conflicted with Kate’s school and extracurricular activities.

They reached a compromise. On some days, Kate and Mintzer-McMahon hit the Iron Horse Trail. Mintzer-McMahon runs while Kate in-line skates. And they found a Jazzercise class that is challenging enough for Mintzer-McMahon and allows Kate to participate.

Meals remain problematic. Kate is a vegetarian. Mintzer-McMahon prefers low-fat, healthy meals. Add Kate’s father and brother into the mix and it’s hard to find dishes that satisfy everyone.

The compromise, Mintzer-McMahon says, is that each person takes a turn at cooking the evening meal. And if it doesn’t suit one person, that person fixes his or her own dish.

The give-and-take of exercise and healthy eating mirrors their emotional relationship, Mintzer-McMahon says.

Kate talks about the praise and support her parents give her when she accomplishes something, even if that accomplishment might seem minimal. Mintzer-McMahon says Kate often gives her cards of encouragement when she’s facing a tough time. It all seems to go hand-in-hand.

“If the mother and daughter take the attitude that they can always find a way to make things work, then you have a sense of hopefulness,” Mintzer-McMahon says. “You believe in the possibilities. You believe in your shared ability to make things happen.”