Day Care Distress Leaving Children At Day Care Will Never Be Easy, But Need Not Be Traumatic
When Diana Thompson drops 2-year-old Tarese off at day care, she sometimes gets a hug and a kiss, or an off-handed, “Bye, Mommy.”
The matter-of-fact goodbye, a transition many day-care parents dream about, is not repeated at the end of the day, however. Whether it’s Thompson or Tarese’s grandfather who picks her up, the reunion is often tearful and unpleasant.
Transitions are hard for young children, harder still for day-care parents. Children can be greatly upset at their parents’ departure, but typically recover once the parents are gone. A parent’s entire day, however, can be ruined if drop-off goes badly.
“Drop-off is not necessarily related to the rest of a child’s day-care experience,” says Elisa Klein, associate professor of human development at the University of Maryland, who specializes in day-care issues.
It is a cause for alarm, however, when you ask a teacher for help and don’t get it, says child developmentalist Diana Lusk, a day-care center director and co-author of “Nothing But the Best, Making Day Care Work for You and Your Child” (Quill, 1992).
The same teacher should greet your child each day, says Karen Paciorek. “Consistency makes it easier,” says the professor of early childhood education at Eastern Michigan University.
How children experience departure depends on their stage of development:
Three- to 9-month-olds: Because there’s little capacity for memory, babies need about 10 minutes each day to become re-familiar with the setting. Patiently point things out to them: “Here’s the mobile you like. Here’s your friend, Maryann.”
Nine- to 15-month-olds: This is peak time for stranger anxiety - an aversion to change. Babies feel tied to the one adult they’ve been communicating with, and if that person leaves, they have to start over again.
Parents can ease the transition by slowing down once they enter the building. Babies take cues from body language. Rushing makes them fear abandonment while a relaxed parent’s message is: “Mom likes it here. I’m OK.”
Once you say you are leaving, go. A long goodbye sends an unclear message, and baby wonders, “What’s my job? Maybe I’m supposed to keep her here.”
Fifteen- to 33-month-olds: Toddlers vacillate between not seeming to care if you leave and caring so much you think, “How can I possibly go?” Tunnel vision fuels their behavior. The tearful goodbye, Lusk says, is part of their effort to learn cause and effect: “If I say I don’t want Mom to go, what will she do?” Translate protests to: “How does this work and who’s in charge?” Use caring, firm words and behavior. “I love you, but my job is to go to work. Your job is to stay at day care.”
Three- to 5-year-olds: Preschoolers go for months feeling competent, confident and conquering. Literally overnight, though, they go from being a boss to being a baby because their world suddenly looks overwhelming; they invent complaints: “My foot hurts - bad.” Lusk tells parents to translate complaints to vulnerability: “I’m just a little kid, remember?” Express sympathy without capitulating: “I’m sorry your foot hurts. I’ll call in an hour to see how it is.”
While parents expect problems in drop-off, they are often surprised when pickup becomes a problem. “Don’t take it personally when your child isn’t happy to see you,” says Klein. “It’s more that she just doesn’t want another change.”
As with drop-off, a routine helps. Slow down enough to give your child a chance to wind up what he’s doing. “Have patience for her to say goodbye to everyone, including the fish and the clock,” says Paciorek.
The toddler, of course, is engrossed in activity, and your arrival is a rude interruption. Keep a treat in the car. Surely a bribe, but also a sensible way to quell the crankiness that erupts this time of day.
Once home, take time to reconnect. “Focus on her for 10 minutes,” Klein says. “It’s time well spent, plus she’ll have something to look forward to come home to tomorrow.”
It takes about two weeks to see results from most new transition strategies, but can take months for some. “And it doesn’t always mean transitions will be tearless, just better,” says Lusk.
MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: SUGGESTIONS FOR PARENTS When you leave, put a smile on your face and purpose in your step, which says you have confidence in the setting and your child. Transitions are harder after a vacation and on kids in day-care part time because the routine isn’t consistent. Give a 3-year-old an assignment: “Can you make a picture for me to hang in my office?” Transitional objects help, but if you forgot it at home, don’t go back; substitute something: “We’ll try hard not to forget tomorrow. You can keep my scarf today.” Teachers have strategies but may not tell them to you for fear of intruding. Parents, meanwhile, don’t ask for help because they think, “This is my job, I made a mess and I have to fix it.”