He’s Blaming Me For Our Baby’s Death

“I’m convinced that Thomas thinks I’m to blame for the death of Nick, our 1-month-old baby who died of sudden infant death syndrome,” sobs Mary, 32, “and he’s right. It’s all my fault.”

The morning she found Nick’s little body in his crib will haunt her forever. “We were having a family reunion and had rented a condo at a ski resort,” Mary recalls. “Nick had been ill the week before - he had a cough and the pediatrician insisted on hospitalizing him for observation. But the next day, he gave us the all-clear to continue our vacation plans.”

Exactly what happened is a blur. “Thomas got up early to hit the slopes, and I stayed home to feed Nick. I never should have put him down on his stomach after I fed him - studies have shown a link between SIDS and placing infants on their stomach to sleep,” she whispered, barely able to speak. “I always put him on his back, but I was afraid he’d wake up - and now he never will.”

Married for five years, Mary and Thomas have a 2-year-old daughter, Briana: “When we finally had Nick, we were in seventh heaven.” But now Mary thinks her marriage is irreparably shattered. “Thomas goes out of his way to avoid me. He’s frantically busy with a million and one chores, bouncing from one activity to the next. He’s clearly too busy to grieve for our son.”

Mary was deeply hurt by the way Thomas and his friends drank and sang in the hot tub the night of their baby’s wake. After trying to pretend everything was all right for Briana’s sake, Mary decided she must put a stop to the frivolity. Her husband reacted with bellowing rage.

Thomas, 34, an export firm’s business manager, can’t believe Mary thinks he blames her for Nick’s death. “If anything, I blame myself,” he says, his voice choked with emotion. “I should have been there, instead of playing on the slopes.” He felt like a failure for arriving at the hospital too late. In fact, he feels like a failure across the board. “I may act like I’m in control, but the truth is, the day Nick died, my whole world fell apart.”

And he feels helpless when it comes to helping his wife. He needs space and time to himself but knows Mary doesn’t understand why.

When grief and anger drive you apart

“One of the most common problems that SIDS parents encounter is the tendency to assign blame for the infant’s death,” notes says Barbara A. Stratton, a Colorado marriage and family therapist. “Since doctors don’t know what causes SIDS, parents often focus on: Who fed the baby last? Who put him down for the night? Who was supposed to check on him?”

Thomas and Mary were fortunate that their relationship hadn’t sunk to that level. Instead, they both blamed themselves.

The tragedy of a child’s illness or death doesn’t automatically spell the disintegration of a marriage. Couples can learn to pull together through a crisis.

Remind yourselves that people grieve differently. Mary had to realize that Thomas’ incessant activity, even his drunken night with his friends, didn’t mean he wasn’t grieving. It was the only way he knew to cope with a senseless event. Thomas had to understand that Mary’s crying and need to reconstruct details endlessly were part of her grieving and just as legitimate as his.

Understand that it’s sometimes possible to do by not doing. Many men, and Thomas is one, feel inadequate because they can’t provide the answers or solve a problem as they think their spouse expects them to. In truth, most often, a woman just wants someone to hold and listen to her. Once Thomas realized how much he could help Mary simply by doing that, they were able to begin the long reconnection process.

Figure out ways, small and large, you can help each other. Try to slice through the pain to focus on one or two things you’d appreciate from your spouse. For Mary, having Thomas set aside 15 minutes a day to listen to her, no matter what she needed to say, was critical. For Thomas, inviting close friends over for coffee or dinner gave Mary other people she could talk with so the intense focus of her pain was not always on him. He also needed some time for himself.

With each passing week, Mary and Thomas are finding ways to dissipate the anger and communicate honestly and openly. Mary is now pregnant again and though she’s fearful something might happen to this child, too, Thomas has helped her put her concern into perspective.

“He said that no matter what happens, we have Briana and each other,” Mary says.