People Get Final Say About Name

Dear Miss Manners: For some 30 years, I have been in charge of publicity for an organization which sponsors an elegant ball each year, at which time the daughters of our various members are presented to the assembled guests and members.

How the names of the parents should be stated is driving me crazy.

It was easy when I could report that “Miss Barbara Jean Lushworth is the daughter of Mr. and Mrs. George Biltmore Lushworth.” But more and more, I find that the parents are divorced, that the mother, even if not divorced, insists on using her maiden name, and the father wants his nickname used because he’ll say, “No one will know who I am.”

Gentle Reader: Things do change, don’t they? Miss Manners could imagine no greater evidence than receiving a letter from the publicity director of a debutante ball who is careful to avoid the words “debutante,” “society,” and “bow.” As she never quite cared for the swishy way these words used to be flung about, she approves your change.

But she is afraid she cannot give you approval rights over the way the members of your organization style themselves. The understandable yearning to have a uniform list must yield to the sovereignty that even careless people have over their own lives and names.

They do insist, since you put it that way, on not staying married or not sharing the same surname or not trotting out their formal names for formal occasions.

You probably cannot dissuade them from the first, you shouldn’t try to dissuade them from the second, but you could have a go at the third.

Miss Manners suggests saying tactfully, “Why, of course, everybody knows who you are. Don’t be silly. But this is such a special occasion, and your daughter will be so proud to see you in the full dignity of formal clothes and your formal name. You wouldn’t want her to think that you treated the event casually.”

Dear Miss Manners: While I was eating my breakfast, my husband and kids were wandering around in the kitchen getting themselves a light breakfast of cereal, pop tarts, etc. My husband was behind me asking questions that were not of extreme importance.

I responded with, “I don’t know, I’m eating.”

His sarcastic response was, “EXCUSE me.”

My daughter took his side. She is 15. I thought she was being rude. When people are eating you should leave them alone and let them enjoy their food. What do you say?

Gentle Reader: That you have a mighty peculiar marriage if you lived with this gentleman long enough to have teenage children and you still haven’t figured out the difference between you.

He is a morning person and you are not. Neither of these states is criminal, but peace must be negotiated between them.

Miss Manners is certainly not going to issue an edict that everyone has to be quiet in the morning. You are going to put it to your husband and daughter as a polite request.

That means no generalizing about how people prefer to enjoy their food, because it’s not true. Many people enjoy talking at breakfast, and meals later in the day are properly accompanied by conversation.

Miss Manners’ suggestion is, “You know, I’m really not at my best in the morning, so it’s better not to talk to me then unless it’s absolutely necessary. You two talk among yourselves and I’ll be cheery and sociable by lunch.”

xxxx

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate