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Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

Enjoy Yourself In Our Hustle-Bustle World, Women Leave Themselves Little Time To Indulge In Pleasure

Polly Frost Los Angeles Times Syndicate

Are any of these rebukes familiar to you?

It’s selfish to indulge myself with pleasure. Other people need me to look out for them.

Most enjoyable things are bad for my health.

No pain, no gain. If I’m relishing what I’m doing, then I’m slacking off and I’ll never achieve my goals.

I used to play these lines over and over in my head as if they were my mantra. It’s a surprisingly loaded concept: pleasure. Sure, we all have certain joys we permit ourselves. For me it’s music: I love opera and go, even when I can’t find someone to sit next to me.

But in other areas! Like so many Americans - especially women - I have craved pleasure and yet scolded myself when I pursued it. For years I believed there was virtue in denying myself enjoyment. I thought difficult friends were the most valuable ones and that impossible jobs were the only ones worth doing. And then there were the countless tiny thrills and frivolities I talked myself out of experiencing.

Puritan pleasures

The right to such happiness is written in the Declaration of Independence. So why do we American women have trouble with the actual experience of enjoyment? We’ll watch the sun set when we’re on vacation in Hawaii, but not from our own back porch or - God forbid - our office window. Relaxation is scheduled for sometime after the kids have graduated from college and we’re well into retirement. Even sex often gets treated as one more thing to toil at. Are we having big enough orgasms? Are our bodies alluring enough? Do we have the requisite technique to satisfy our partners’ every need?

Our culture is obsessed with self-improvement. From dieting to working on relationships to planning holidays - the goal is betterment, not enjoyment. “This society was founded by people who had to strive hard and establish the country. They had a very strong work ethic,” says Edward Charlesworth, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist and coauthor of “Stress Management: A Comprehensive Guide to Wellness.” “It’s in our background. In families this ethic is passed along. ‘Don’t be silly,’ people will say if you goof off. ‘Quit acting like a child.’ “

Americans who travel abroad often express amazement at the way many Europeans spend the middle of a weekday sipping Bordeaux in cafes, playing chess, and casting flirty eyes at strangers. What a shock to discover that not every country shares our work obsession! To think there are people who don’t try to squeeze half a dozen errands into their lunch hour!

Yet once these travelers are back in the States, they return to their daily grind. “We function as though there are pleasure police out there,” says Lana Holstein, M.D., director of women’s health at the Canyon Ranch Spa in Tucson, Ariz.”If we take an afternoon off and sit out on the porch and read or don’t do anything for a whole afternoon, they’ll find out and drive up to the house with the sirens blaring.”

Pleasure pals

The other evening I was having dinner with a group of female friends. We were avidly discussing the problems of our lives - cheating partners, unloving mothers and career anguish.

Suddenly, I realized that we were all “misery enablers.” We were offering up our woes because we felt comfortable enough with each other to confide them.

Yet where were our tales of pleasure? When I mentioned this omission, everyone agreed. But when we related the happier parts of our lives, there was an awkwardness to the discussion. After all, it takes a good friend to share your trouble - and a great friend to share your joy.

I have often been more supportive of friends when they’re doing badly than when they’re doing well. I now believe we need emotional backing more when we’re experiencing bliss than when we’re suffering. Pleasure can be a terrifying emotional state - bringing up feelings of guilt, raising the possibility of losing something wonderful and igniting the fear that we’re going to be envied.

“We have many books on how to handle grief, but when it comes to dealing with joy, we’re at a loss. Joy is one of the hardest emotions to own,” says Dr. Holstein.

There may also be a self-preserving reason behind a frightened response to pleasure. We all know about how stress wreaks havoc with our bodies. What about the potent effects of joy? In some religions, ecstasy is regarded as a state that people must prepare themselves to receive.

Observe your body the next time you’re experiencing pleasure: It can feel as though your system is coming apart. Your heart may race as fast as it does during a tense moment. Joy is a powerful physical state - one many of us are so unused to, we’re afraid of it.

The pleasure givers

In the first year of my marriage, I spent a great deal of energy trying to be an ideal mate. One night my husband and I were lying on the bed after sex. He seemed upset. I asked what was wrong, and after a while, he explained that he was frustrated. I gasped. How dare he say that! After all, I’d cooked him his favorite meal, worked out at the gym that day, and put on his favorite scent. What more did he want?

“You did everything,” he said, “except tell me what I could do to make you happy.”

Claiming pleasure for myself isn’t easy. I’m not alone. Charlesworth says, “I work in my private therapy practice with a wide range of women. They tell me, ‘We don’t know how to play, because we feel responsible for everything.”’

The caregiver role is familiar to most of us. Even single women I know have an elderly relative who needs looking after or a young person to whom they are an aunt, sibling or mentor. I consider nurturing others to be one of life’s greatest joys. But we shouldn’t let ourselves be trapped in that role. As my husband pointed out, we’re depriving others - not just ourselves - of pleasure.

The routes to pleasure

The older I get, the more I learn that life presents us with enough stress and grief. There’s no virtue in searching for them. I used to think it wasn’t right to have a good time while there was suffering in the world. Actually, we’re better equipped to bring about changes that can help other people if we are nourishing our souls with joy. And I’m finding that the routes to pleasure are really quite simple:

Be selfish. Detach (to the degree you can) from painful relationships, jobs and lifestyles. Indulge in delights large and small, from chocolate kisses to mind-bending sex, and make time to daydream. Set aside a block of time each week to be completely, deeply selfish. Watch a video the way you want to, replaying parts that make you cry or turn you on. Make a toast to idleness in a bubble bath. Don’t answer your mother-in-law’s phone calls! Instruct a partner in the art of giving you pleasure. It could be a sexual technique you’ve fantasized about or something more cozily prosaic, like making you a cup of tea.

Give in to silliness. Exult in things that make you happy - movie stars who can’t act, but you like watching anyway; romance novels that are far from classics but captivate you. Look through a sex manual with a lover and find a page that makes you giggle, then try to do the technique with a straight face. Explore pleasures you enjoyed as a child, such as having a secret place or making up songs.

Love your body. Rent a French movie starring Simone Signoret or Jeanne Moreau: Realize that sensuality has nothing to do with being a size six or having iron buns. Take a belly dancing class; observe how the sexiest of these female dancers are often far from svelte.

Learn to delegate. Develop a support group; teach the people around you how to take on responsibilities. In order to carve out time for individual fancies, you must recognize, for example, that past a certain age children can often look after themselves, and that you can trust your husband to take care of a sick parent for an evening. (Or else be willing to teach him how!) Sometimes it’s hard to face the fact that we aren’t indispensable. It can also be a liberating discovery.

Placate the Puritan within. Charlesworth has found that “people may need to be tricked into giving themselves permission to enjoy themselves. So I tell them that having pleasure in their lives will enhance their ability to work.” Your Inner Puritan also loves self-improvement: Enroll in a fun but educational class such as a cheese- or wine-tasting course, or sign up for a museum talk.

Do it for your health. Recognize that enjoying yourself can also be beneficial to your health. Harold Benjamin, who created the Wellness Community, a nonprofit organization devoted to cancer patients and their families, after his wife was diagnosed with breast cancer in 1972, argues, “There are two reasons for seeking to be happy: One is to be happy and the other is to do what you can to increase the number of and duration of pleasant emotions to enhance the immune system. It’s very well accepted that unpleasant emotions suppress the power of the immune system.”

Polly Frost is a freelance writer who lives in New York City. She is currently finishing her first play. Reprinted from New Woman/U.S.A.

MEMO: Two sidebars appeared with the story: 1. Make it a point to weave pleasure into every day Clinical psychologist Edward Charlesworth, Ph.D., recommends these techniques for mixing moments of pleasure into our lives: Take lots of minivacations. I call this “eating an elephant one bite at a time.” In other words, don’t wait for a grand vacation. Find usable scraps of time. For example, if you commute, then recreate. Years ago, I had to drive a long way to the medical center where I work, and the heavy traffic was really stressful. I began to listen to recorded novels. I became so engrossed in the first one that when I got to the parking lot, I didn’t want to leave my car! Another example: When I take my kids to the bus stop, we all make a game out of the chore. We run to where we’re going, playing tag. Change stress cues to recreation cues. If you’re on hold or stuck at a stop sign, use these moments to practice relaxation exercises. Don’t wait! Take a few hours to write down what gives you pleasure. If it’s travel, save those frequent-flier miles. Figure out what you can do now, and do it.”

2. Tuning in to your sensuality Here is a wonderful program for enhancing your sensual awareness by Lana Holstein, M.D., director of women’s health at the Canyon Ranch Spa in Tucson, Ariz. Emphasize one sense a week. One week make it touch. Honor this sense by simply regarding how you shake someone’s hand or put your arm around a friend. Feel the movement of air on your face. Make sure the next item of clothing you purchase is in some way sensual in texture or in the drape of the fabric. When you make love, do it with reverence. We are cheating ourselves if we don’t allow our physical interactions to be sacred. This doesn’t necessarily have to involve religion. You just have to honor yourself and your partner. When there’s an expectation to make love to the beloved, pleasure becomes a way of reaching the ecstatic. The next week, focus on sight. You can receive pleasure simply by slowing down enough to observe the quality of light on a tree on your street in the morning. Work your way through the other senses week by week. Be certain that you pay attention to unpleasant as well as pleasant sensations. Sometimes we receive noxious stimuli and we shut down. What we want to do is emphasize the positive. Los Angeles Times Syndicate

Two sidebars appeared with the story: 1. Make it a point to weave pleasure into every day Clinical psychologist Edward Charlesworth, Ph.D., recommends these techniques for mixing moments of pleasure into our lives: Take lots of minivacations. I call this “eating an elephant one bite at a time.” In other words, don’t wait for a grand vacation. Find usable scraps of time. For example, if you commute, then recreate. Years ago, I had to drive a long way to the medical center where I work, and the heavy traffic was really stressful. I began to listen to recorded novels. I became so engrossed in the first one that when I got to the parking lot, I didn’t want to leave my car! Another example: When I take my kids to the bus stop, we all make a game out of the chore. We run to where we’re going, playing tag. Change stress cues to recreation cues. If you’re on hold or stuck at a stop sign, use these moments to practice relaxation exercises. Don’t wait! Take a few hours to write down what gives you pleasure. If it’s travel, save those frequent-flier miles. Figure out what you can do now, and do it.”

2. Tuning in to your sensuality Here is a wonderful program for enhancing your sensual awareness by Lana Holstein, M.D., director of women’s health at the Canyon Ranch Spa in Tucson, Ariz. Emphasize one sense a week. One week make it touch. Honor this sense by simply regarding how you shake someone’s hand or put your arm around a friend. Feel the movement of air on your face. Make sure the next item of clothing you purchase is in some way sensual in texture or in the drape of the fabric. When you make love, do it with reverence. We are cheating ourselves if we don’t allow our physical interactions to be sacred. This doesn’t necessarily have to involve religion. You just have to honor yourself and your partner. When there’s an expectation to make love to the beloved, pleasure becomes a way of reaching the ecstatic. The next week, focus on sight. You can receive pleasure simply by slowing down enough to observe the quality of light on a tree on your street in the morning. Work your way through the other senses week by week. Be certain that you pay attention to unpleasant as well as pleasant sensations. Sometimes we receive noxious stimuli and we shut down. What we want to do is emphasize the positive. Los Angeles Times Syndicate