Body Building The Human Body Has Room For Improvement - Here Are A Handful Of Makeover Suggestions

It’s plain as the surgically altered nose on a celebrity’s face.

A lot of people simply aren’t satisfied with the design of the human body. Well, at least not with the design of their own bodies.

How else would you explain the reported proliferation of face-lifts, breast augmentations, penile enlargements and what-have-you?

We could chalk it up to vanity and living in a society that sometimes seems to salute shallowness. Still, it makes you wonder.

Clearly the urge to “improve” our physical framework is well established. But what if the modifications we could make to human anatomy were not just cosmetic? What if we could really change things in a big way?

What part of your body would you redesign?

Newman Lake’s Billie Sue Hall would like detachable arms.

“When I’m in bed with my husband and he wants to put his arm around me, my right arm is always in the way,” she said. “So I’d like to be able to take it off and put it back on when I need to use it again.”

Sure. Why not?

Like any tampering, detachable arms could cause some problems of its own. Working out the implications for blood circulation could be a bit tricky. But let’s suspend logical skepticism for a moment.

Jennie Groenig of Spokane said she wouldn’t mind if the human body were built to resist shrinking as people get old. “I think it’s kind of unfair that gravity gets us,” she said.

Another woman suggested that additional eyes, positioned on the sides of the head, would be a valuable asset for Spokane area motorists. Not to mention how great that would be for opticians’ business.

So, OK. Nobody’s saying the human body is a loser of an idea. But there’s always room for improvement.

You doubt it? OK, consider two words: wisdom teeth.

And just think. Imagine the amazing golf swing you could have if your pelvis swiveled like a spinning top.

You probably wouldn’t be hearing a dentist’s drill if you were the proud possessor of diamond-hard teeth.

If your neck could elongate on command, say about a foot, being behind a tall person at the movies would no longer be a problem - except maybe for the person sitting behind you.

If you had bat-like radar, power outages could come and go and you wouldn’t have to be afraid of the dark.

What if your knees had durable ball-bearing configurations?

If our offspring looked like polar bear cubs, strangers might mean it when they declared an infant to be adorable.

And how about, instead of being saddled with organs of dubious value such as the tonsils and the appendix, we had special defender glands that secreted powerful enzymes toxic to viruses?

Or what would it be like if people had hair that changed color, depending on their moods?

“I wouldn’t dump that new assignment on Laura right now.”

“Why not?”

“Didn’t you notice? Her hair is glowing crimson. Definitely not a good sign.”

The possibilities, ridiculous as they might be, are endless. One need only look to the animal kingdom for strength, speed and sensory powers that dwarf our own physical abilities.

Imagine being able to pick up scents as well as a cat or run like a greyhound.

In addition to those real-world inspirations, the creators of popular science fiction have come up with some intriguing proposals. Remember that Schwarzenegger movie that had the woman with three breasts?

But not every change one could conceive has to be the kind of thing that would make people resemble “Star Wars” characters or leap about like “The Bionic Woman.” Chances are, more than a few of us would settle for sinuses that didn’t get clogged and Eustachian tubes that took air travel in stride.

Of course, modern medicine already offers a fair number of ways we can make modest changes and repairs to our bodies. In a sense, surgery and medication do precisely that. For while the human body is impressive, to say the least, individuals are not without problems.

Hence the demand for implants, transplants and contact lenses.

“Everybody’s anatomy is the same, but everybody is different,” said Dr. Brian Ross, an associate professor at the University of Washington Medical School.

Those willing to wait one or two geologic ages might even see substantial adaptive improvements in the body.

In theory, specific physical traits helpful in the struggle for survival should endure while design inefficiencies would eventually disappear.

But when people with, say, sinus woes, get treatment for their conditions, something happens. They often feel well enough to breed. That produces offspring who tend to have sinus problems. And so there’s not much chance for natural selection to produce an evolved Homo sapiens that has perfect drainage and no nasal infections.

Oh, well, that would take eons anyway.

So unless you’re thinking along the lines of hair implants or liposuction, there’s not much that can be done to redraw the body overnight.

Still, we can dream.

“I have always had bad eyes,” said Spokane’s Mike Kilgore, who works for a windows and doors company. “I would like to be able to twist my ears like dials and focus my eyes - you know, kind of a telescope thing - for long range or short range. Like a camera lens or a pair of binoculars. That would be kind of cool. Other than that, I’d just go with a removable nose which you could take off and clean out once in a while.”

Dr. Ross offered a fantasy of his own.

“There has to be a better way to have a baby,” he said. “I think we should bud like spores.”

Right. And maybe someday the human brain will be able to remember where we put our keys.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: Staff illustration by Molly Quinn