Forgiveness Glues Marriage

Dear Ann Landers: The letter from “Under 25 and Single in Michigan” about adultery and male infidelity inspired me to write to you. When I went through marriage counseling with my wife, the counselor asked the group what each of us thought was the most common reason for divorce. Adultery, of course, was No. 1 in this survey of young adults.

Imagine our surprise when the counselor told us that forgiveness is essential in a marriage and that if we are unable to forgive each other when we make mistakes, we should think twice about making a lifelong commitment.

My parents got a divorce when I was 12, and it was the most traumatic experience of my life. I knew what affairs and divorce can do to a family, and yet I risked taking that same road. A woman I worked with paid attention to me when my wife did not. We had an affair. My wife found out about it and got even by having an affair with this woman’s husband. My wife and I had three children under 10 at the time.

Thanks to the wisdom of our counseling group leader, we were able to forgive each other, and it saved our family. The lesson to be learned is that true love does not always travel over calm water. No marriage is perfect. We must accept the fact that there will be problems of one kind or another. Being able to forgive is the glue that holds many marriages together. - The Voice of Experience in Portland

Dear Portland: Well said. Not only is it important to forgive, we must be able to put behind us what it was that we forgave. That’s the hard part.

Dear Ann Landers: I read the letter in your column from the woman whose ex-husband was invited to a family wedding and reunion. I recently faced this problem with interesting results. Perhaps this letter will help others.

My son called to say I would be getting an invitation to his daughter’s wedding soon and he wanted me to know that my ex-husband’s widow also had been invited. During the 40 years that “Gladys” had been married to “Alfred,” I had decided she wasn’t my type, even though I never had met her. It upset me that my son thought Gladys needed to be invited to the wedding. After all, Alfred had been dead for several years, and this was another generation. Upon reflection, I decided not to let Gladys’ presence spoil the occasion for me or my granddaughter.

When we arrived at the church, I asked someone to point out Gladys. I then went over and introduced myself. She seemed ill at ease. I made a point of sitting next to her at the dinner that followed, and I finally worked up the courage to ask her about Alfred. I said I had found him brilliant but eccentric. She said he hadn’t changed and mentioned some of his strange habits, and we both laughed. I decided Gladys must have been quite a woman to have put up with Alfred’s idiosyncrasies for 40 years. I found myself admiring her for it.

After our long conversation, I regretted that I had avoided meeting her years before. I discovered that Gladys was intelligent, attractive and interesting, and we probably would have been good friends had we not lived so far apart. - Surprise Ending in Corvallis, Ore.

Dear Corvallis: You’ve made an excellent point, which is as follows: It’s always a mistake to judge people before you get to know them. And P.S. If you liked Gladys, you can be reasonably certain that Gladys liked you.

Gem of the Day: If at first you don’t succeed, sky diving is not for you.