Tradition Grants Full-Blown Wedding Just Once

Dear Miss Manners: My son expects to be married (for the second time) in late summer. This will be the third marriage for his fiancee. I say it is up to me to be responsible for the rehearsal supper, but my daughter says it is not necessary for me to do this.

The wedding party will be quite large, as they both have family that they want to include in the ceremony, and although it will put me back financially, I want to do the right thing.

Gentle Reader: These people have had five weddings between them and they still haven’t gotten the hang of it? Miss Manners sometimes wonders what families did for feisty entertainment when custom put a stricter limit on the number of weddings per person.

Tradition has never granted all the wedding trimmings more than once. People can whoop it up as often as they wish, but they cannot claim that a big wedding, complete with auxiliary events, is mandated by etiquette. Nor does one ever have to put oneself into financial jeopardy to be considered proper. Miss Manners is not in the extortion business.

Anyway, the entire matter of a dinner the night before the wedding is in rapid transition. The bridegroom’s parents have almost entirely taken it over from the bride’s, and it is less likely to be a rehearsal dinner for those who were in the rehearsal than a preview wedding for those guests who are either closest to the couple or who have traveled the farthest.

If you want to entertain people in an affordable way, Miss Manners has nothing to say against it. But she does not require more than welcoming the bride into the family with a kiss and wishing the couple well.

Dear Miss Manners: After a number of years, my mother made mention of how nice it would be to be remembered on her anniversary. She was widowed at 39. From then on, my two sisters and I delighted in remembering her on her wedding anniversary. It became a special day for her, as she watched married couples celebrating their anniversaries.

My husband left me to marry someone else after a 36-year marriage. Even though I finally adjusted to the loss of my marriage, each year I am very aware of that anniversary date - I was especially aware of the 50th anniversary. I saw all my friends celebrating in a special way, and many at their 40th.

But as that 50th date came and went, I could not help feeling that it would have been nice if even one person would have remembered me. There are so many single women, and I am sure there are so many emotions attached to this date that I believe a little thoughtfulness would be appreciated.

Gentle Reader: Miss Manners appreciates your awareness of the anniversary date of your wedding, but she is less clear about why you emphasize celebrating.

Perhaps you feel sentimental remembering the happiness of your wedding in spite of what happened later, which would be big of you. Or perhaps you just feel entitled to a celebration because your friends are having them, which would be small of you.

But in either case, it is not likely to occur to others that this is a happy day for you - any more than for a widow, who surely cannot think of her wedding without remembering her loss. If you mean only that you would feel comforted by sharing your feelings on this day with the understanding of a relative or intimate friend, Miss Manners encourages you to make this known to such a person. But if you are thinking of congratulations or parties, she has to warn you that you are more likely to meet with amazement, if not ridicule.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate