What Do You Think? Teaching Children To Reason For Themselves Can Prepare Them For Adulthood

Seven-year-old Justin Collins stands before his mother, pointing to a mound of shaving cream smeared on his T-shirt.

Just seconds before, he, his two brothers and a family friend were having fun playing with a shaving cream can. Now Justin wants the goo gone.

“Can you think of a way to get it off?” asks his mother, Denise Collins, a parent educator and mother of four.

“Jeffrey said to just rub it in,” Justin says as he begins to rub the white froth into the cotton fabric.

“That’s one way,” his mother says as she eyes the smeared, spreading mess. “Can you think of another?”

What Collins wants her son to do is think of a way to remove the cream without her telling him what to do. Some call it problem-solving, others say it’s a dialogue-approach. All agree that the goal is the same: to create children who can think for themselves.

Children who can think well, the experts say, have empathy for others. They are less likely to buckle under peer pressure - or end up addicted to drugs. They have skills to make healthy friendships and decisions.

“So often we say things like, ‘If you hit him, you’ll hurt him.’ Kids have heard that so many times that they simply tune you out. When you are explaining and telling your child, you are doing all the thinking for them,” says child development psychologist and author Myrna Shure.

That is why three years ago, Dr. Shure wrote a book outlining her approach, “Raising A Thinking Child,” based on her “I Can Problem Solve” program. The approach, aimed at children 4 years to 7 years, teaches parents to lead their children through a series of questions or dialogues to help the youngsters solve most childhood conflicts.

The program, she says, grew out of her years of work in child development research and her observations when she was training to be a nursery school teacher.

When a group of 4-year-olds she was observing wanted a toy that another child had, Shure noticed that some kids withdrew and walked away. Others turned to the teacher for her to solve the problem. Some hit the child while others tried to grab the toy away.

“Then Zach came along. He wanted Peter’s wagon and so he asked him for it. Peter said no, he needed it. Zach asked, ‘What for?’ Peter told him he needed it to pull rocks. And Zach said ‘I know, we could pull the rocks together.’ There was no screaming, no crying, no tantrum. Zach had solved the problem,” Shure says.

There are vocabulary-building games so that children learn the meaning of words used in the approach. There are role-playing activities, and samples of conversation to help parents.

The method has been used in more than 50 elementary schools throughout the country and the best-selling book was recently selected by Parents’ Choice, a nonprofit consumer guide.

But be patient, Shure says.

“This may not work the first time you try it or even the first 10 times,” Shure says. “The thing to remember is it’s a process. We are teaching kids how to think.”

Collins, the mother of four youngsters ranging in age from 12 to 5, agrees. And, she says, as her family expanded, it became more challenging to continue the approach.

“With the first child, it was a lot easier to give many choices and enjoy what happens. But when the fourth comes along and dumps over the Cheerios, instead of running for the camera, you say, ‘OK. Let’s clean it up.’

“But what we’re talking about comes with time,” she says. “We are not looking for a five-minute fix. We are looking at developing a child for adulthood.”

While the book and approach have been praised, at least one Dallas family therapist says that the program may be confusing for children as young as 4.

“It’s great to have a thinking child,” says Nancy Umphres. “But I think sometimes we ask children to think through and make decisions when what they really need is some direction. Most of the 4-year-olds I work with need respect for their feelings but also some direction.”

Parents have some concerns, too, say Shure and Collins, who teaches parenting classes at the Dallas Association for Parent Education. Some fear losing control by allowing their children to make decisions. Others say the approach is too time-consuming.

“If you nag, reason and explain to your child and he does what he wants anyway,” says Shure, “then I ask, who’s in control?”

Some parents point to their own child-rearing where they were not allowed choices as children.

“They say that was good enough for us,” says Collins. “But I think the reason why it was OK for us is that we knew what to expect of our world. We went to school, got married or whatever.

“Now, you don’t grow up anymore and do what your father did,” she says. “So kids have all these choices to make on their own.”