Television Police Could Possibly Use More Categories

We applaud the television industry’s efforts to better label programs, but we worry that the industry has not gone far enough. In the interests of even broader disclosure, we propose the following additional ratings:

X - Another “X-Files” knockoff featuring tormented protagonists and aliens resembling Walter Keane paintings.

C - Contains plot coincidences so wildly improbable they make “Back to the Future Part II” seem like a PBS documentary.

H - Contains at least one gratuitous hug.

F - May contain Fran Drescher.

SU - Features yet another marginally talented stand-up comic with a too-much-toosoon development deal.

TP - Newscaster’s hair weave may impair viewer concentration.

VP - Features lowlife confessions of interpersonal indiscretions that would make a vulture puke.

S - Contains cultural stereotypes that may include, but are not limited to, the feisty but warm-hearted lesbian, the dryly self-aware gay male, the fat person whose girth is never mentioned, and the cute Asian American chick with an attitude.

G - Tennis event; may include Monica Seles grunting.

M - Program features painfully strained metaphors, such as baseball representing the indomitable soul of a young and restless nation, or music as religion.