Prayer To God Is All One Wished

When a certain distinguished gentleman died, his friends went into shock. It wasn’t the fact of his death that threw them, although they had cared for him and were grieved. He had led a long and productive life.

It was the instructions he left behind. He stated that he wished his funeral to be the classic religious funeral service, with nothing personal to be said about him.

What?

No funny stories about him to lighten the tension? No poignant anecdotes about his virtues, laced, for the sake of believability, with teasing references to his weaknesses?

No testimony from the people he got to know over the years about what he was like at different stages of his life? No praise for how brave he was to keep on going through illness and aging?

Just a plain religious service for the dead? Did he care nothing for tradition?

Apparently not for the tradition developed over the last decade or so, which is to say as far back as anyone living can remember. Or at least - now that this gentleman is gone - anybody except Miss Manners.

Everyone else seems to know and cherish a modern tradition, which Miss Manners believes goes something like this:

When someone dies, his or her family and friends enter into discussions about what that person would have liked to happen next. They then conclude that he would not have wanted anybody to be unhappy about his death, so they plan the funeral to be a cheerful occasion.

After the arrangements are made for a funereal celebration, those who had hoped to do something even more entertaining at the time discuss whether the deceased would have wanted them to change their plans in order to attend. They conclude that he would not, and feel bound to follow this.

In keeping with the spirit of the occasion, mourners who do attend take care that their clothes should not be depressingly funereal.

Rather, deference to the presumed wishes of the dead is symbolized by choosing clothing for comfort and convenience. This means that to avoid anyone’s having to change earlier or later, which would violate the deceased’s putative dread of inconveniencing others, dress is supposed to conform with each person’s other activities of the day, be they work or sport.

The service itself consists of a series of speakers offering their flattering and humorous reminiscences of the deceased. There is an increasing understanding that the point is to evoke an honest picture, so the occasional harsh evaluation (“Let’s face it, we all know what a pain he could be”) always gets an approving laugh.

Everyone except the immediate family seems to know that the deceased would not have wanted people to put themselves to the further trouble of attending the burial, so there is time for them to stand around and visit with one another until the bereaved household can receive them for the wake.

There it is usually unnecessary for people to remind themselves that the dead person would not want them to be gloomy, because the wake has become indistinguishable from a party. The topic of the life of the deceased having been exhausted during the speeches, people feel free to declare how great it is to see one another without reference to the grim fact that brought them together.

But the new tradition features a major tribute to the dead, all the same. This stems from the new sacred duty of enjoying the deceased person’s favorite food and drink at the social hour. Being remembered for one’s taste is the closest thing we offer in the way of immortality.

And yet there was someone who wished to have his soul commended to God instead.

The following fields overflowed: CREDIT = Judith Martin United Features Syndicate