Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

He’s the Bottom Lines dream candidate

Jimmy Marks is running for mayor of Spokane. If he gets elected, it can mean only one thing: The Gypsy Curse really does work.

Members tried to complain, but got a busy signal

America Online has backed off of its proposal to sell members’ telephone numbers to telemarketers, on the grounds that annoying sales pitches would be redundant for America Online members.

The GOP barely avoids losing hugely charismatic leader

The GOP dodged a bullet by finally resolving its little in-house “palace revolt.” The party came that close to losing the leadership of Newt Gingrich, a man beloved by upwards of 10 percent of the voting public.

Some people will never approve of inter-dwarf relationships

The Southern Baptists are boycotting Disney after discovering that, under Disney policy, Grumpy has been receiving spousal benefits from Dopey.

They can save the world, but can they get their potholes fixed?

Last week, the City Council of Berkeley - “the only city in America with a foreign policy” - voted to boycott oil companies that do business in Nigeria. Then it severed all diplomatic ties with the United States, annexed the Sudetenland and declared war on Burma.

, DataTimes ILLUSTRATION: 3 Photos

MEMO: Bottom Lines is Jim Kershner’s look at issues in the news. The views are the writer’s.