Grab A Set O’ Cookin’ Irons And Rustle Up Some Grub

“Oh, a $10 hoss and a $40 saddle And I’m goin’ to punchin’ Texas cattle.”

- Cowboy ditty

Name’s Slim. I’m jist yer plain everyday bowlegged Daddy. Been punchin’ cattle long near a coupla months now. Late days spent roundin’ up the longhorns ‘n’ brandin’ calves ‘n’ headin’ off stampedes.

Me and the boys went to Dodge City last week. Saw me a filly so purty, whal she wuz ‘bout as purty as a red heifer in a flower bed. Yup, tried to get me a kiss, but Big Jim said it was jist the same as like tryin’ to scratch yore ear with yore elbow.

Mostly, tho, ride the range with other punchers, workin’ hard, workin’ dirty. Git hungry real good. Sometimes I git hungrier ‘n’ a woodpecker with a headache. I like grub at’ll stick to my ribs, not too much of those fancy fixin’s.

A thick steak dragged in flour ‘n’ fried in hot suet. Now that’s real good. Got the best range cook in the state ‘o Texas, call him the Ole Biscuit Shooter. He’s a mite cranky, ‘ceptin’ when a drinka bug juice er brown gurgle makes him nicer. (Says he keeps it around for snake bites.)

The best fare of all is Ole Biscuit Shooter’s son-of-a-gun stew, to word it politely. Ya got the brains, tongue, liver, heart and, well, he throws everything in the pot but the hair, horns and holler. And he cooks it a long, long time.

Cookie always says two things ‘bout son-of-a-gun stew. He says, “If you can tell what’s in it, you know it ain’t made right,” and he says, “It’s usually not even made at all - it just sort of accumulates.”

We eat lots of chuck wagon chicken (fried bacon), horse thief’s special (boiled rice and raisins) and Kansas City fish (fried salt pork). Sourdough biscuits and dried fruit with syrup on it, that’s a treat.

“Long with taters and canned tomaters,” as they say. Got to have a pot of coffee goin’ most of the time, good strong Arbuckle’s, none of that weak ole belly-wash.

Well, I’m ramblin’ on agin. Best thing for you to do is just grab a set o’ eatin’ irons and try some cowboy grub for yerself. Jist remember, only a fool argues with a woman, a mule or the cook.

Dodge City Ribs

These are tender, meaty ribs drenched in a tangy, tomato-peach barbecue sauce with a nip of whiskey and a touch of pepper.

Ribs:

5 pounds Western-style pork ribs

2 cups water

1 tablespoon freshly ground black pepper

Sauce:

1 (28-ounce) can tomato puree

1/2 cup cider vinegar

1/2 cup peach preserves

1/2 cup whiskey

1/3 cup prepared brown mustard

3 tablespoons lemon juice

1/4 cup brown sugar, packed

1 teaspoon salt

1/2 teaspoon ground white pepper

1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes

3 tablespoons butter

Arrange ribs in large roasting pan. Pour in 2 cups water. Sprinkle ribs with pepper. Cover tightly with heavy foil. Bake at 375 degrees 1 hour.

Meanwhile, combine tomato puree, vinegar, peach preserves, whiskey, mustard, lemon juice, brown sugar, salt, pepper, red pepper flakes and butter in large saucepan. Slowly bring to boil. Simmer, uncovered, 15 to 20 minutes.

Remove ribs from oven and drain off water. Increase oven temperature to 475 degrees. Pour 2 cups barbecue sauce over ribs. Bake, uncovered, 45 minutes longer. Brush with additional sauce before serving. Save any leftover sauce for the next time you’ll be grilling cacklers.

Yield: 6 servings.

Note: Ribs may also be grilled. After the 1-hour baking process, finish cooking ribs on grill, about 15 minutes. Baste occasionally with sauce to retain moisture. Give ribs a good bath in sauce just before serving.

Grilled Pooch Bread With Skunk Eggs

Pooch was a cowboy dish made with tomatoes, sugar and sourdough bread. Skunk eggs were, of course, onions. This version of pooch goes especially well with peppery dishes or even alongside bacon and eggs for breakfast.

1/2 cup butter or margarine

3 medium to large onions, thinly sliced

1/4 cup brown sugar, packed

1 loaf sourdough bread, halved lengthwise

2 large tomatoes, cut into 1/4-inch-thick slices

Melt butter in medium skillet. Add onions and cook, stirring over medium heat until golden, 10 to 15 minutes. Add 2 tablespoons brown sugar and cook and stir 2 minutes. Remove from heat.

Place bread on baking sheet, cut side up. Spoon onion mixture on bread slices and drizzle butter from pan over top. Cover with tomato slices. Sprinkle with remaining 2 tablespoons brown sugar. Bake at 475 degrees 10 minutes.

Turn oven to broil and cook bread 2 to 3 minutes longer or until tomatoes are lightly browned. Cut into thick slices and serve warm.

Yield: 6 to 8 servings.

Baked Whistle Berries in Beer

This casserole of Great Northern beans is a dandy, in a not-too-sweet sauce that’s perfect with ribs.

4 slices thinly cut bacon

1 medium onion, finely chopped

2 cloves garlic, minced

3 (14-ounce) cans Great Northern beans, drained

1/2 cup molasses

3 tablespoons brown sugar, packed

2/3 cup beer, room temperature

3 tablespoons prepared brown mustard

1/4 teaspoon bottled hot pepper sauce

Fry bacon in small skillet until crisp. Drain on paper towels. Add onion and garlic to bacon fat in skillet and cook just until softened.

Place beans in large casserole dish. Add cooked onion mixture, molasses, brown sugar, beer, mustard and hot pepper sauce. Mix well. Crumble bacon over top.

Bake, covered, at 350 degrees 30 minutes. Uncover and bake 30 to 45 minutes more, or until beans have a nice sauce without being too soupy. Serve warm.

Yield: 6 to 8 servings.

Arbuckle Custard Pie

Arbuckle was such a popular brand of coffee in the Old West that a cup of coffee was simply called “Arbuckle.” This creamy, coffee custard pie is the perfect ending to a campfire meal from the chuck wagon.

3 eggs

1-1/2 cups milk

1/2 cup light cream or half and half

1 teaspoon vanilla extract

1/2 cup sugar

3 tablespoons instant coffee dissolved in 1 tablespoon warm water

1 (9-inch) unbaked deep-dish pie crust

Whipped cream, optional

Beat eggs in large bowl with wire whisk. Add milk, light cream, vanilla, sugar and instant coffee mixture and mix well.

Place pie crust on oven rack. Pour in coffee mixture. Bake at 400 degrees 40 minutes. Reduce oven temperature to 300 degrees and bake 30 minutes longer or until set. If you’ve got a hankerin’ for it, top with whipped cream.

Yield: 8 servings.

MEMO: Slim also goes by the name of Robin Benzle, author of “Cooking With Humor” and “The Ziggy Cookbook.”