Lock Your Closet, Stay In Therapy

Dear Ann Landers: I am a frustrated woman who is married to a cross-dresser. I have read your columns saying some wives and girlfriends enjoy their cross-dressing sweethearts and husbands and promote their “hobby.” This certainly is not the case in our house.

For the last several years, I suspected my husband was wearing my clothes. I have had to discard many items that were stretched out of shape or torn. When I couldn’t find a bra or a blouse, I knew that “Don” had acquired it.

Our home life is miserable. Don’s mother still continues to manipulate him even after all these years. He has never been able to stand up for himself, which infuriates me and has caused some hot arguments. Counselors have suggested I leave him or “take him as he is” because he will never change. We’ve been married for 25 years, and I don’t want a divorce, nor do I want to damage Don’s image. His friends and family members hold him in high regard, and the people he works with think he is wonderful.

My woman friends are under the impression that we have the perfect marriage. I don’t know what to do, Ann. Our family life is terrible, and I cry a lot. Please help me. - Lonely in the Metropole

Dear Metropole: There is no way I can help a woman who tells me her home life is miserable, she is frustrated and unhappy and cries a lot, but she does not want a divorce.

You say counselors have suggested that you accept Don as he is or leave him, but you don’t want to do either one. It appears to me that you are going to be miserable either way. Your best bet is to develop some outside interests, stay in therapy, put a lock on your closet door and keep your underwear where Don can’t find it.

Dear Ann Landers: For several months, I’ve been holding on to your column about “U.M. in Mesa,” who left her children with their father when the marriage ended. She felt it would be better for the kids. I want to offer encouragement to “Mesa” and others like her.

I, too, made that decision 10 years ago when my sons were 11 and 8, and my daughter was only 4. I was an emotional wreck, incapable of taking care of myself, let alone my children.

I want to tell Mesa not to say that she has “left” her children. She has made it possible for them to remain in the home they have always known and continue to enjoy the stability of their same school and neighborhood friends. Divorce is painful enough, even under the most amicable circumstances, without uprooting the children.

This is my advice for Mesa: Stay in therapy. Call your children often. Send them tapes of you reading bedtime stories. Never miss a birthday or holiday. Have them with you during school breaks. I did all of the above, and it helped tremendously.

When people made comments such as “How could you leave your kids?” I said, “I haven’t left them. It was not easy, but I did what I felt was best for my children.” Friends and family who know and love you will not be judgmental. Your children may not understand now, but if you remain a loving parent and make the most of your time together, they will understand when they are older.

Your decision took tremendous courage and self-sacrifice. You ARE a good mother, and I support you. - Another One in Elk Grove, Calif.

Dear Elk Grove: Your letter is sure to bring comfort to other women who are walking in your shoes. Thanks on behalf of all of them.