He’s Just Not The Man I Married
“When Joel hit me at a party the other night, that was the last straw,” announces Ellen, 36, a school administrator.
Ellen and Joel dated for three years before they married a year ago. During courtship, she says with amazement, their relationship was storybook perfect. She recalls, “We’d bicker - but who doesn’t?” If they ever had a flare-up, Joel would always cool down quickly.
Not anymore. “These days, Joel storms through the door at the end of the day - he owns a graphic arts business - and blames me for one thing after another,” Ellen insists. When she tries to discuss anything serious, he sneers. “I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been in the middle of a conversation when Joel interrupts, shouting, ‘That’s the dumbest thing I ever heard.’ ” Recently, Joel’s also been critical of what she wears, buys for herself, the house and her job. “Most people think I have a very respectable, important position,” she says, adding that Joel refers to her as a civil servant.
Though Ellen has no idea what triggered her husband’s big change, she’s adamant about how she feels: “Joel is not the man I married and I’ve had all that I can take.”
Joel, 40, knows that smacking his wife was reprehensible. “I’m disgusted with myself,” he says. “I have no excuse, but frankly I don’t know how to shut Ellen up.” His wife talks relentlessly, without ever getting to the point of a story.
“The time I interrupted her, she was rambling on to one of my new clients, who was becoming increasingly exasperated,” Joel recalls. “If I didn’t cut her off, I was afraid I’d lose the account.
“She’s become a whirling dervish and she’s driving me crazy,” he adds. “Despite our financial constraints, Ellen still spends too much money, with no regard for the budget we’ve worked out together.” That may sound trivial, Joel admits, but, when his requests and wishes go unheeded, he feels like kindling about to burst into flame.
Getting by with a little help from a friend
“Ellen and Joel have have long since stopped being each other’s best friend - a critical yet often overlooked aspect of a truly happy marriage,” notes Debra Pearl, a marriage therapist in New York City. Alienated from each other, they allowed unresolved resentments to tear a deep hole in their marriage. If they could learn to communicate as friends, they’d have a better chance of working through their problems.
Ellen needs help curbing her incessant chatter, which is actually her means of self-protection. Whenever she feels anxious, overwhelmed or lacking in confidence - which is often, considering how her husband belittles her - she falls into her old pattern. Yet she doesn’t realize many of her actions provoke and alienate her husband.
Joel needs to recognize that his caustic treatment of Ellen is contributing to her lack of confidence and he must curb that tendency at all times.
Like Ellen and Joel, many couples allow the friendship part of their relationship to wither. If you have, here’s how to nurture it:
Talk to each other like friends. Friends discuss what they like to do, what’s happening in the world, interesting things they’ve done or plan to do. Most couples, however, talk about problems, which often triggers conflict. Ask yourself: How many times in the last month have you and your partner discussed your opinions about the upcoming election, the theater, a book? Problems shouldn’t be brushed aside, but they shouldn’t take up all your talking time, either.
Listen like a friend. Good friends don’t feel they have to solve your problems; they just listen. It feels good to know someone cares enough to do that without interjecting their opinions or ideas.
Brainstorm ways to help each other. Ellen needed Joel to signal, in a loving way, that she’s beginning to talk too much. They worked out a system whereby Joel would sidle up to her and lightly touch her elbow. This affectionate cue told Ellen her it was time to yield the floor. In time, Ellen became less anxious and more confident in general. The tension between them lessened.
Put a little fun in your life. Friends enjoy each other’s company. Like these two, you may not be doing that enough. Though it sounds contrived, write down on an index card all the fun things you’d like to do with your partner. (It needn’t be extravagant. Taking a hike in the woods might do it for you.) Every week, each of you picks a card from your partner’s pile and makes it happen.