Birth Dads Left Out Of Adoption Author Says Genetic Father Important To Child’s History

In the Oscar-nominated film “Secrets and Lies,” a middle-aged white woman discovers the adult black daughter she gave up for adoption.

From her theater seat in Minnesota, author Mary Martin Mason could tell by their reactions who in the audience was a birth mother and who was adopted.

Not so the birth fathers. In the film, as in most adoption stories, he never shows up.

“Nobody wants to know about birth fathers. Everybody just thinks he’s a bum,” said Mason, who wrote “Out of the Shadows: Birthfathers’ Stories.”

At a conference Wednesday night through Friday, Mason and other specialists will address openness and attachment in adoption.

“Serving Children of Adoption in the 21st Century” is expected to draw hundreds of social service workers, adoptive families and prospective parents to the Ridpath Hotel. The public is invited to attend “You Can Adopt,” a Wednesday night session. The cost is $30.

Of the library of books and discussions available on the subject, virtually none deal with the men who fathered the adopted child, Mason said.

“A birth father is half a child’s genetics, half the social history and health history, it’s a real important piece,” Mason said.

Attorneys, birth mothers and anxious adoptive parents often don’t share information about the birth father. Not because it’s missing, but because they believe he was abusive or derelict.

For the child, not knowing can have lasting consequences.

“Far too many adoptive kids think they were an accident and a one-night stand, and that may not be the case. That colors your opinion of yourself.”

In her book, Mason tells the stories of 17 men who fathered children later adopted. One man was at a wedding dance when friends revealed an old girlfriend was pumping them for his health history. She apparently had his child without telling him about it.

Men who did know about the pregnancy and subsequent adoption describe the whole process as “fuzzy, foggy, even surreal.” But even the foggiest memories were painful, she said.

All grieved openly. One man dated only women with sons the age of the son he’d lost. Many had entered into social service where they worked with youth.

The Solomon-like case of Baby Richard helped spur fear of birth fathers trying to connect. The men also reported feeling their presence as fathers was wanted only for money, and not the time or emotional relationship they could offer.

And the men themselves often felt overwhelmed by the emotions, taking seven to 14 years to actually get to know a child.

Mason found it takes men longer, generally, to connect with the relinquished child than it does the mothers. Without the physical closeness of the pregnancy or the birth, the birth fathers felt so disconnected that even men who married the mother later or named the baby referred to their child as “it.”

Mason said mediation and talking about the child’s future can help dispel the anger and detachment birth fathers feel. Working with the birth mother is critical. At least one father met annually with the birth mother on their child’s birthday to have dinner and talk.

For adoptive families who know the birth father but find he never comes around, she recommends keeping a box of mementos and pictures that may someday ease a reunion.

Mason, who was put in an orphanage and adopted after her mother died, grew up knowing her birth father in Dallas. She also is the mother of an adopted son, 11.

Above all, she recommends honesty.

“I always say adoption is a two-edged sword. It’s loss and gain, and you can’t pretend the loss isn’t there,” she said. “Open or closed, it includes the loss of the birth family in that they are not the primary caregivers. Until you address what it means to lose this family you can’t grow up very healthy.”

Kathy Seely and Nancy Johnson of Spokane Consultants in Family Living work on family health daily. For nearly two decades, the social workers have specialized in open adoption, and attachment and bonding therapy for families in Spokane.

They’ve organized the conference, which includes national speakers Robin Blair Parker and Dr. Ken Magid, author of “High Risk…Children without a Conscience.”

The Attachment and Open Adoption Training Conference begins Thursday at 8:30 a.m. and continues through Friday. Cost is $150.

Adoption has been in the news as “Secrets and Lies” earned Oscar nominations for Best Actress and Best Supporting Actress. The radical adoptee group, “Bastard Nation,” is expected to picket the March 24 Academy Awards to lobby for the opening of adoption files.

The anguished performances garnering the nominations are fiction that Mason recognizes as truth.

“The enormity of the secrets are so damaging to so many people,” Mason said. “Here we are: My son’s birth mother had cancer and we have no history of her. It’s real typical.”

, DataTimes MEMO: This sidebar appeared with the story: ADOPTION INFORMATION Parents considering adoption can get more information and meet adoptive families at a meeting Thursday at the Spokane Public Library. World Association for Children and Parents local staff and adoptive families will discuss adoptions in China, India, Korea, Russia, Romania, the Philippines, Thailand and the United States at 6:30 p.m. The meeting is free. For more information call Susan Johnson, (206) 575-4550.