Keeping Love In Marriage After Kids Takes Planning
“Peter says I shouldn’t be upset that he had an affair with Lorraine, the 22-year-old hygienist who recently started working for our longtime dentist,” sobs Joyce, 42, the mother of two boys, 13 and 14. “He says he’s not in love with her and that he only did it for sex. But if he was that unhappy, why didn’t he talk to me? After all this time, I think he owes me that.”
Joyce deeply resents Peter’s insinuation that she’s to blame for their lack of sex. In the 20 years they’ve been married, she insists she has never once rejected his advances. “I know our love life wouldn’t set off fireworks, but he never complained,” she explains.
“In fact, in so many ways, Peter seemed perfectly content,” Joyce says. Their weekends centered around the boys’ school or sports activities. “If Peter wasn’t working, he was coaching the baseball team or volunteering at the ‘rec’ center,” she adds. If he found this dull, he certainly never let on.
Joyce had hoped that, as the kids got older, they’d have more time alone, but things never quite worked out that way. “We were always scrambling. Either Peter would be taking the Boy Scouts camping or I’d be up half the night sewing costumes for the school play.”
Still, she never dreamed that her superhonorable, thoughtful husband would be unfaithful. “When I found the slip of paper with the initials ‘L.M.’ and a phone number in his wallet - I needed money for the dry cleaners and Peter was in the shower - my heart stopped,” Joyce recalls. When she confronted him, Peter confessed and begged her forgiveness. But while Joyce doesn’t want her marriage to end, she doesn’t know if she can live with a man who deceived her.
Peter, 43, who manages a home-remodeling company, knows he’s made a terrible mistake, but he’s shocked that Joyce would throw away a 20-year relationship. “We’ve worked so hard to build a comfortable family life together,” Peter says, his voice trailing off. “And maybe that’s the problem. We became so set in our ways that, frankly, I got bored.”
After the children were born, Peter explains, their so-so sex life came to a complete halt. “Even today, Joyce uses the kids as an excuse not to make love.”
Peter wants to work on the marriage, but he’s afraid Joyce will never trust him again.
When the kids come between you
“Ironically, Joyce and Peter’s devotion to their children has proved to be a divisive as well as an enriching element of their marriage,” comments Toni Messer, a marriage and family therapist in Hastings-on-Hudson, N.Y.
“Their relationship had become totally child-centered, and over the years they allowed their child-rearing concerns to overshadow their private relationship.” Not surprisingly, as their sons entered adolescence and gravitated toward their friends, Peter began to feel old. He blamed Joyce for his problems, and the affair seemed the perfect antidote to his midlife crisis.
Have you and your partner inadvertently slipped into the kids-first mode? While children will always trigger upheaval in a marriage, the patterns developed during the early years can be hard to break. Unless you keep the following points in mind, you may find that your children are the focus of your life and your marriage is in limbo.
Don’t berate yourself if your love for your children when they are small seems stronger than your feelings for your spouse. Young, demanding children can sap your energy and creativity. Being blinded by parenthood is a common state, but it will pass.
Spend real time together. Going out alone or sharing a weekend or night away is ideal, but if that’s not possible. Simply making time to sit and talk or hold hands can make a difference. Put the kids to bed early and share a cup of tea. Instead of splitting up on weekends, run errands together. It may take twice as long, but the conversation will be worth it.
Book a baby sitter once a week and pay her in advance, so you’re not tempted to say, “Gee, let’s forget about it.” If you’re both working, meet for lunch.
Remind yourself that your children don’t love you less because they need and want to be with their peers more. Once Peter really understood this, he stopped brooding about the past and began to concentrate on the present. Joyce vowed to schedule more private time with, as she put it, “the most important man in my life.” She put a lock on the bedroom door - a small gesture but one that made a big impact. When the boys were away at camp, the couple began to plan weekend trips to the beach and concerts in the city, things they truly loved but thought they could live without.