Check It Out: You, Too, Can Be Successful In Competition
To be successful in any competition, you must know that there are many important steps. Here, I will share these steps so that you, too, will be able to win big.
The first thing to remember is to wear your lucky underwear. This is of utmost importance. If you don’t have any lucky undies of your own, I suggest you borrow someone else’s. Or in extreme situations, a lucky jockstrap. A lot of people do not believe the truth about lucky underwear. They say, “What’s the big idea - they’re just purple tightie-whities with red hearts and the name “Aaron Tunell” sewn on the elastic band. (Actually I check that band every now and then when I forget how to spell my name). The truth be known, however, lucky underwear will make you jump higher, run faster and, if they have not been recently washed, scratch harder.
Another thing to remember is to practice hard at all times. Even if you happen to be a pro nose spelunker, practice night and day like my little sister does. Practicing is serious work. Get it done and do it right. “It’s not the time for poops and giggles,” as Mr. Gray, my consumer economics teacher might tell you.
An example of the poops and giggles routine: Going outside and practicing for a few short minutes, then going inside to find some Gatorade and getting waylaid by an important commercial or urgent Nintendo game.
The next thing to do is practice in front of a crowd. This does not mean to show off. I don’t mean be arrogant and go “Hey, you stink. Watch me! I am the bomb. Check out my stylin’ moves. You are by all means permitted to worship me now. Feel free to kiss my feet as I show you how a real man does it.” You will want to leave out the part about the feet kissing unless you are a chess player.
Practicing hard has some very good points. First of all it hones your skill. This means that if you happen to be a Bonners Ferry, Idaho, football player, you will learn to get smeared with the utmost grace and finesse.
Another reason you want to play in front of others is that if you don’t, you will get what is commonly called the “Mr. Forgetful Syndrome.” I experienced this recently at a footbag tournament. You get in front of the judges, all lined up with a phat routine, and along comes Mr. Forgetful. This syndrome is exemplified by the following symptoms: sweat, stiff joints, poops, armpit stains, dropping the hacky sack, giggling uncontrollably and forgetting your name.
Remember to grunt a lot while you perform. This not only helps with your concentration, but it makes it seem like you are doing something. “Aargh, I hate being on the receiving end of a dirty swirly” or “Nnnngrh, I think that’s just about enough jelly donut curls for today.” When weight lifting, be sure to grunt even more because if you don’t get the pressure out of the abdomen, you may end up with something that sounds like “hern ee uh.”
And last, a couple of important tips to remember, and you’ll be successful: Socks first, then shoes. And eat Commander Crusty’s Crunchy Os, the only cereal with a nuclear explosion depicted on the cover.
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