Gain Control Of Violent Anger
“I’m afraid for my daughter,” says Lynda, 33, a nurse who also takes classes two nights a week toward an advanced degree. “Marcy’s only 9, but my husband, John, frequently loses his temper and hits her.”
Last night, John slapped Marcy across the face. Lynda was scared she might have been hurt. As it turned out, she wasn’t. “But next time, we might not be so lucky.”
Ironically, Lynda first fell in love with John because of his kind, easygoing personality. “To me, and to our younger daughter, Tara, 7, he’s the sweetest guy in the world. His manner with Marcy - who looks exactly like me - seems completely out of character, and I just don’t understand it,” Lynda continues.
Everything Marcy does seems to annoy John, she said. “She’s shy and sensitive, and when she comes home from school with tales of how she has been picked on by her classmates, her father shows no sympathy. Instead, he berates her for not sticking up for herself.”
John was such a loving father when the girls were little, Lynda says, and even now he’s a wonderful husband, always helping out with chores and meals. “I don’t know what precipitates his rages,” she says. “All I know is he complains that we don’t spend enough time together as a family - and then he mistreats one of his daughters.”
It’s hard to believe that her husband, an executive, could be abusive. “It makes no sense. He just doesn’t fit the picture.”
John, 31, is ashamed of his behavior and scared it will happen again. He insists his family is the most important thing in the world to him. “I was one of six kids in a family that wasn’t particularly loving,” he explains. “Mother didn’t have much time for one-on-one mothering, and while we knew Dad cared about us, he was a policeman who worked the swing shift, so he wasn’t around much.”
However, John laments that he never gets to spend much time with his wife and children. “My wife is terrific, but she’s a martyr,” he explains. “She can’t say no to anyone.”
She never says a word to those who take advantage of her, he adds, but then comes home and pours out her frustrations on him. But John is still unclear what it is about Marcy that triggers his violence: “I know I can’t stand to listen to her whimpering and whining,” he says sadly. “And I know I need help.”
Getting a grip on anger
“The fact that John himself has suggested therapy is one of the most positive things that this family has going for them,” says Paul Moschetta, a marriage therapist in New York City and Huntington, Long Island. However, as Lynda says, John doesn’t fit most people’s image of an abusive father - and that’s one of the problems. Despite increasing public awareness of domestic violence in general, the upscale abuser - that is, the professional man, as opposed to the more stereotypical image of the blue-color worker - is far more common than many people think, experts claim.
It’s impossible to say why one person becomes an abuser and another doesn’t. John is clearly angry - at his parents for not giving him the love and attention he craved; at his wife for never speaking up and letting others browbeat her, as well as for not spending enough time with him.
Instead of discussing these resentments, he’s taking them out on Marcy, who physically resembles her mother. It’s vitally important that Marcy, as well as her parents, get professional counseling.
According to the Domestic Violence Institute in Denver, the following are some of the leading risk factors for engaging in domestic violence or for becoming a victim:
1. Exposure to violence as a child.
2. Violence in other relationships.
3. Isolation from family and friends.
4. High levels of expressed anger and impulsiveness.
5. A tendency to respond aggressively when under stress.
6. Rigid beliefs that men are superior to women.
7. Drug or alcohol abuse.
If you, like John, have found yourself losing control and hurting people you love, experts say, you need help. Call the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 1-800-799-7233; The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, P.O. Box 18749, Denver, CO; 303-839-1852; EMERGE, a men’s counseling and educational group, 2380 Massachusetts Ave., Suite 101, Cambridge, MA 02140.