Forget Parents; Focus On New Life

Dear Ann Landers: I have been seeing “Bob” for a couple of years now. We began our relationship while we were both married to other people. My divorce has been final for some time, but his will not be final for several months. Our daughter was born last May (his first child), and I have a son of my own.

Bob’s parents have known about us for a year, and the problem is that they think of me as a home wrecker. The truth is, Bob’s marriage was over years before I met him. His folks, however, cannot accept the fact that Bob has a new life - as if by ignoring it, it will go away. They will not visit us and have seen our infant daughter only once, when Bob took the baby over to their place.

I have never met Bob’s family. He says they don’t want to meet me because of their close relationship with his ex-wife. I don’t expect them to cut her out of their lives, but I feel hurt that they want nothing to do with me. They invite Bob’s ex-wife to all the family gatherings, which means I am left at home alone. Bob never makes any apologies. He just goes.

I want Bob’s family to acknowledge and accept me. How do I go about making this happen? Please advise me. - Rightfully Hurting in Virginia Beach, Va.

Dear Virginia Beach: As an unbiased outsider, I think I have a pretty good idea of how this looks to Bob’s folks. You started to see their son, who was a married man when you met him. You then had a baby with Bob, which they may have considered an attempt at entrapment. Bob’s parents are very fond of his former wife and will continue to include her at all family affairs and treat her as a member of the family. They have no wish to include you. Their hope is that one day down the road Bob will dump you and get back with his wife.

Please keep this column, and let me know in a couple of years if my prognostications were on target. Meanwhile, forget about Bob’s parents and concentrate on making your relationship with him and your child a healthy, happy one.

Dear Ann Landers: This is in response to your 73-year-old correspondent who says life can be a lot better without a man. She said, “He snores and hogs the covers.” The woman needs to know she does not have to put up with this forever. There is an alternative: separate bedrooms.

My wife and I made that decision five years ago, and it was one of the smartest moves we ever made. After umpteen years with a woman who turns over by levitating 4 inches above the bed and plopping down like a cannon ball, twitches her feet all night long and snores like a moose, I moved to another room.

There are only 40 inches separating my bedroom door from hers, and that is not a long trip when I get the “call of the wild.” The benefits of this arrangement are enormous. It is true that absence does indeed make the heart grow fonder and the fantasies sometimes more exciting.

If married couples can get over the “you don’t love me anymore” syndrome, and they have a spare bedroom, they should take my advice and use it. Married couples get along much better after an undisturbed night of rest. - No Longer Sleepless in Augusta, Ga.

Dear Augusta: You don’t say how old you are or how many years you’ve been married. Both make a big difference. The only clue is your reference to “umpteen years.” Also, an extra bedroom is not always available. Each couple must work out sleeping arrangements in a way that suits both husband and wife.