Cash Competitors Spouses Do Better Financially When They Work Together Rather Than Compete
If you didn’t know differently, you might think that an intern at SportsChannel writes most of the nation’s financial headlines. “Nasdaq Winning Streak Continues.” “Championship Stocks: The Biggest Winners of the Decade.” “Underdog Artemis Wins Global Semi Ad Account.” “Concrete.com Crushes Its Competitors.”
The thrill-of-victory imagery is colorful, yet debilitating.
Money is your own personal bowl game, the headlines imply. Score, and you’re rich: stock options, a house in a gated community, maybe even John Madden presenting you with a 55-gallon drum of his private cuvee barbecue sauce. Fumble, and you’re a loser.
Spurred on by journalists’ infatuation with monetary touchdown-making, many couples become so absorbed with finding the fiscal end zone that they compete with each other on money issues. This disrupts their life together in two ways.
First, they hurt their bankbook, because conceiving of a genuinely lucrative idea is unlikely when you fixate on displaying more financial savvy than your partner. Second, they hurt their intimacy, because growing into a deep partnership of equals is impossible when you’re each bent on proving that you’re the household’s economic superstar.
Do you and your partner compete over money? Consider the following behaviors:
1. You refer to the investment funds as “my money,” because you picked the investments that have paid off best so far.
2. You feel inferior to your partner because you earn less than her.
3. You find yourself telling people that, unlike your partner, who’s intentionally pursuing a big salary, you’ve made a conscious choice to sacrifice income for satisfaction.
4. Under the guise of “just being playful” during a dinner with friends, you remind your partner of a poor investment choice he made.
5. When your partner earned less than you, you criticized her inability to pull her financial weight. Now that she earns more than you, you are depressed about it.
Do these behaviors feel familiar? If so, you two would probably profit from toning down the financial gamesmanship around your house. The following practices will help.
1. Stop living by comparison. Cancel subscriptions to magazines and newspapers that track how many millions Paul Allen has made since breakfast. Comparing yourselves to others only perpetuates the keep-up-with-the-Joneses tendencies that prevent you from living a distinctive and interesting life.
2. Articulate your commitment. Are you really intent on creating a life together? If so, break the habit of referring to “my money.” Whether your partner’s within earshot or not, have only one kind of money in the house: “our money.”
3. Take a stake in yourself. What are your talents? How could you shape them into work that would serve others as well as pay off for you in a big way?
Whatever you feel called to do, invest your resources more fully in that pursuit.
4. Take a stake in your partner. Your partner has talents and hopes, too. What could you do to help him blossom? Maybe spend time talking about the bike company he wants to start. Perhaps let him know that you’d be willing to cut expenses so he could return to music school.
By letting your partner know that you see him as a rich human being, you give him a chance to see himself that way. Your support can help him stop competing and begin reaping the rewards his talents can yield.
The point of being companions in life is to create a rich experience. To do so, you two need to grow, and grow together. Only when you discard the fiscal yardsticks, the win-lose jargon, and the comparisons - to others and to each other - can you focus on expressing and capitalizing on the unique talents you each possess.
Staff illustration by Bridget Sawicki