31-Team Nfl Has Bad Taste

We interrupt the excitement of the 1998 NFL postseason to bring the following, sobering bulletin in regard to the 1999 NFL regular season:

Thirty-one teams.

In 1999, the NFL will add the expansion Cleveland Browns, taking the league into the 21st century with a 31st franchise. My friends, 31 is what we call in the business “an odd number.” Follow me on this. Two teams play in any given game and - every day and twice on Sunday - two does not divide evenly into 31. Thirty, yes. Thirty-two, sure. Thirty-one, no.

Trying to schedule 31 teams weekly is like trying to arrange seating at the Hatfield-McCoy wedding.

You see, 31 is just not a good number, unless you’re starting up an ice cream chain. One conference (the AFC) is going to have an extra team. This isn’t good. One division (the AFC Central) is going to have an extra team. This isn’t good. Most importantly, one team is not going to have another team lining up on the other side of the ball. This isn’t good.

Frankly, the NFL will suffer a degree of scheduling difficulty not seen since Napoleon tried to work a palace Christmas party around the invasion of Russia.

With 31, somebody sits out every week. This is amazing: In the opening week of the NFL season, some team will not play. And in the closing week of the NFL season, some team will not play. (Actually, the Bengals simulate this situation on any given Sunday.)

Anyway, rather than giving at least one team a bye every week as will happen I propose the league just go ahead and give one team a bye season. (Naturally, the Bengals again come to mind.)

Self-analysis note: In my three major early prognostications, I contended the Giants would end up 5-10-1, the Seahawks 7-9 and the Oilers would “have that Super Bowl look.” The Giants went 8-8, the Seahawks 8-8 and the Oilers 8-8 and changed their name. In that spirit, I feel a little more like Gene Shalit than Jeane Dixon.

Coaching carousel: Dom Capers, out. Dennis Erickson, out. Ted Marchibroda, out. Ray Rhodes, out. Dave Wannstedt, out. Bruce Coslet, ouch. Still in. How does this guy do it?

TV update: In a game that meant nothing, budding analyst Boomer Esiason finished his first “Monday Night Football” campaign with a season-low 43 “you knows.” Season average: 70.8 per telecast. The Man is ready to move on to Dick Vitale and the word “ath-uh-lete.”

Now, on to the picks. Folks, it’s an All-Underdog Wild Card Weekend. But please remember, as always, all selections are for recreational purposes only:

Packers at 49ers (-3): Forget the fabulous nature of the Brett Favre-Steve Young matchup. This game, or another in the very near future, is going to turn on the Achilles’ heel of the 49ers - the right foot of one Wade Richey.

His PAT kicks look like a stream of bad exhaust coming out of a used car’s tailpipe. True story: In November, Richey actually bruised his left foot getting into a hot tub.

You say Wade Richey, I say “Wide Right.” Pick: Packers.

Cardinals at Cowboys (-7): I have this stunningly super scenario for the Cowboys. They beat Arizona, then go to Atlanta and surprise the playoff-virginal Falcons. Meanwhile, the Packers-49ers victor goes to Minnesota and upsets the Vikings, meaning the Cowboys host the NFC championship game, where Dallas plays its best of the year and advances improbably to Super Bowl XXXIII. Problem is, the Cowboys aren’t very good.

By the way, who’s Deion seeing about that big toe, Frank Burns of “M*A*S*H?” Pick: Cardinals.

Bills at Dolphins (-2-1/2): The Dolphins have no rushing game. Running behind their offensive line is like walking on hot coals. And if you cannot run, you cannot hide in the playoffs. Against Atlanta in the season finale, the Dolphins had 38 yards rushing on 19 carries; the week before against Denver, they had 36 yards on 28 carries.

You have a better chance of seeing Calista Flockhart in “American Gladiators” than of seeing a Dolphins running back in the end zone. Pick: Bills.

Patriots at Jaguars (-8-1/2): Oh, yeah, I’m supposed to analyze and handicap a game in which I have absolutely no idea what quarterback will play for which team for any length of time. This is like going out on a blind date arranged by your priest, and, quite honestly, I don’t believe in acts of faith. When in doubt, take the points. Pick: Patriots.

Last week: 7-8.

Final regular-season record: 120-107-11.*

* - I go where others only dream. I see what others only imagine. I think how others can only envy - that I AM The Man. That’s nine years picking games against the spread and nine years of finishing above .500. It’s tough, solitary work. Command, the saying goes, is lonely. I don’t mind.