Key To Solution Is Larry Flynt

Sat., Jan. 2, 1999

Jim Kershner The Spokesman-Revi

Following the example of Bob Dole, Gerald Ford and Jimmy Carter, I hereby offer my statesmanlike solution to the Clinton impeachment mess:

Step One: The Senate and the White House should immediately hire the NBA’s David Stern and Billy Hunter to hammer out a bipartisan compromise proposal within two days.

Step Two: Fire David Stern and Billy Hunter after they fail to produce a censure proposal within two days, or for that matter, two years.

Step Three: Start over. Enlist grand old statesmen of each party, Newt Gingrich and Larry Flynt, to hammer out a tough but fair bipartisan censure proposal.

Step Four: Fire Gingrich and Flynt after they engage in hair-pulling scuffle over whether or not to use the phrase “the Big Creep” in the censure proposal. Gingrich, not surprisingly, gets the better of Flynt in this fight, employing superior mobility.

Step Five: Start over. After a long intensive search of the entire Senate chamber, two actual sane adults are located, one for each party. These two senators hammer out a tough but fair bipartisan proposal which calls for Clinton to admit that he prevaricated, equivocated, fibbed, misrepresented, distorted and falsified, but didn’t lie, which is different.

Step Six: A public signing ceremony takes place in which Clinton is forced to read the censure resolution aloud, including the sentence, “When I saw the thong, I knew it was wrong.” He is then briefly scourged with rushes. Epaulets, if he is wearing any, will be stripped. At the conclusion, he announces that he will never do anything again to disgrace his family, his office and his great nation. Senate leaders will then clap a “chastity cup” on him, just to make sure.

Step Six-and-a-half: Everyone will give Clinton a standing ovation for his “bravery and honesty,” and then make their way to a champagne reception in the West Wing.

Step Seven: The Supreme Court declares the censure resolution unconstitutional.

Step Eight: The two senators who hammered out the censure agreement are forced to resign after they admit that they “never actually checked” on the constitutionality of chastity cups.

Step Nine: Start over. Make preparations for Senate trial. Clear-headed leaders from both parties agree to make the trial quick and dignified, much to the relief of the public, which is more interested in “Everybody Loves Raymond” than in long-running impeachment farce.

Step 10: All clear-headed leaders from both parties are forced to resign after Larry Flynt reveals they all had adulterous relationships with Monica.

Step 11: Senate trial begins, with the Chief Justice of the Supreme Court presiding. The witness list includes Linda Tripp, Ken Starr, Clinton’s lawyers and the entire staff of Newsweek magazine. In a surprise ruling, the chief justice orders all witnesses executed.

Step 12: Chief justice fired by Senate, but only after several of his execution orders have been executed.

Step 13: Polls show 92 percent approval rating for executions. In the aftermath, the Chief Justice is restored to office, at which time he immediately forces all “ninnies and nincompoops in the Senate” to resign, which means all of them.

Step 14: The House of Representatives steps into the constitutional breach and offers to hold “an Inquisition,” which, they explain, is quite similar to a trial.

Step 15: Representatives sack the entire Supreme Court when justices rule that “the rack” is unconstitutional, even when used on someone as obnoxious as Clinton.

Step 16: Clinton, remembering that he is still chief executive, fires the entire House of Representatives.

Step 17: The D.C. Municipal Traffic Court, in absence of the Supreme Court, declares Clinton’s actions unconstitutional. This doesn’t matter because two days later, Larry Flynt “outs” the entire House of Representatives for adultery, sometimes with each other. All members of the House are forced to resign.

Step 18: Clinton, finding to his surprise that there is no Senate, no House, and nobody investigating him, meets a young intern named Amber. His chastity cup, imbedded with a GPS “tracking” device, is found a day later discarded in Rock Creek Park. Clinton has no choice but to resign.

Step 19: Polls show 99 percent of public approves of everyone’s resignation.

Step 20: Hold new elections and start over with entirely new bunch.

See? This plan works.

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