Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

Sun., Jan. 3, 1999

By Jim Kershner jimkershner@comcast.net

He can’t go out for two months, not even on dates

Latest rumor on impeachment front: Senate will inform president he has been “grounded.”

Reagan has an airport, so will Clinton

No matter what happens next, Clinton’s historical legacy has been permanently damaged, although there is already bipartisan support for re-naming Dulles International Airport “Big Creep International.”

She’s a good-hearted woman, in love with a good-timin’ man

The Kennedy Center Honors went well last week, but Bill and Hillary can’t seem to go anywhere without being reminded of their predicament.

Did that tribute to Willie Nelson absolutely HAVE to include “To All the Women I’ve Loved Before,” “I’ve Already Cheated on You,” and “Busted”?

We’re hoping that we can nurse it along until Y2K

Social Security has been declared in complete compliance for Y2K. Unfortunately, Social Security won’t survive until Y2K.

Alcoholics will have to drive to the suburbs to get their Thunderbird

The state Liquor Control Board wants to clean up downtown neighborhoods by restricting the sale of high-proof beverages. The only problem: Crack cocaine will still be available at the usual outlets.

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