Sparks May Fly When Cultures Clash

“I’ve put up with an impossible man for 11 years and I’ve had just about all I can take,” says 39-year-old Alison, a real estate agent and mother of two young boys. “Nick’s temper is ruining our home life, upsetting our sons and causing us to lose our friends; if things don’t change, I have no other choice but to leave my husband and take our children with me.”

“I know I’m excitable and blow up easily,” admits Nick, 42, an architect. “But Alison makes me feel so small. She doesn’t support me in my career and sulks for days holding a grudge. She’s so uptight, and I can’t take her silences. If we get a divorce, the kids will be hurt and she’ll have terrible financial problems; it’s going to be a disaster.”

It wasn’t always a battlefield for this couple. Nick and Alison met in Greece 14 years ago - Nick was visiting some cousins while Alison back-packed through Europe with a college friend. One moonlit night, on the steps of the Parthenon, romantic sparks flew when they spotted each other. “I have never been in love before,” says Alison, “but with Nick I was instantly attracted.” They spent a few days touring the city together, exchanged phone numbers, and began a long-distance relationship.

Two years of courtship resulted in an engagement and a wedding. Shortly after their honeymoon in Greece, things began to sour. Having moved into Nick’s hometown of Boston, Alison says, she felt lonely and isolated, missing her family and friends back in Maryland.

During an early domestic argument, Nick’s hotheadedness emerged. “It was the first week of our marriage; Nick got mad and threw a cup at me, and I stalked out of the room and refused to speak to him for days. His way of apologizing was with passionate lovemaking, which calmed things down, but not for long,” Alison remembers.

“My housekeeping skills are never good enough for him. When his mother visited us a while back we had an argument because she commented on the unwashed dishes,” Alison says. “I’m trying to take care of a 9-year-old and a 5-year-old, keep a house and work a full-time job. My husband thinks I have all the time in the world to pick lint off the rug or starch shirts - well, I don’t.”

Alison reports that Nick thinks she’s a weak and permissive disciplinarian. “His ideas of parenting are swearing at them, giving them a swat on the bottom and sending them to their rooms,” says Alison.

Nick claims he’s working day and night to make ends meet and support his spouse, without any appreciation. “My wife is a killjoy. She’s so undemonstrative, I cannot read her moods. I can never seem to please her,” claims Nick. “Despite what she thinks, I don’t want a divorce. I think counseling is a good idea; I’ll do whatever I need to save our marriage.”

“What I see with Nick and Alison is a clash of cultures and personalities,” says Carol Philpot, Ph.D., a couples counselor and dean of psychology. “Although the couple were both American, Nick’s Greek background gave him different expectations of marriage than Alison’s, so there’s automatic built-in conflict here,” says Philpot. Nick’s bullying and screaming threatens Alison, causing her to withdraw. But during counseling, both learned how their temperaments - his expressive and demonstrative, hers reserved and conservative - could actually work in their favor. Nick admitted he married Alison in part because her laid-back temperament helped control his anger. She in turn, chose Nick out of a desire for drama and excitement. Both were rebels breaking away from constricting cultures, seeking a freerlife.

While difficulties are bound to occur for couples with opposite natures, Philpot recommends implementing the following for a stronger union:

Ask yourself what attracted you to your spouse in the first place. What were your expectations of marriage? How have they changed? What do you want your partner to see about you now?

Create a list of 10 small items your spouse can do for you on a daily basis, such as a kiss first thing in the morning or a foot rub at the end of the day. Then ask your partner to pick four from your list to perform on a daily basis while you do the same. Bring back that loving feeling by reminiscing over old times. Dig up photos from your courtship, talk about your favorite dates. Build up the positives of the relationship.

If you have children, concentrate on becoming a parenting team. Figure out what you want for your kids. How can you go about achieving it together?