Weary Couple Would Just As Soon See Date Line Go Offline

Tom Westbrook has a modest goal for 1999.

And that is to ring in the New Year with fewer rings before he wrings somebody’s neck.

You can’t blame the retired college professor and his wife, Jan, for being somewhat peevish. For months now, the Spokane couple’s telephone has been blaring at all hours of the day and night from lonely strangers looking for love in electronic places.

It’s all about telephone numbers.

To reach the Westbrooks, one must dial the number they have owned for 37 years, 747-1900.

To reach the Nightline dating and chat service, one must dial 744-1900.

Many of Nightline’s callers apparently can’t tell the difference. Whether they are thinking of 747 airplanes or just can’t remember the right prefix shown on the cheesy Nightline TV ads, they keep calling the Westbrooks.

The commercials show hot-looking young models who apparently have no social life outside of a telephone receiver. The Seattle-based business offers live chat lines and personal ads for a hefty (15 minutes for $9.99) fee.

“I’m getting calls now day and night,” said Westbrook, who knows something about proper communicating since he taught speech and communications for years at Gonzaga University. “It’s a helluva inconvenience. It’s gotten to the point where I can’t even answer my own telephone.”

Too bad the calls aren’t coming from ABC’s “Nightline.” Westbrook probably wouldn’t mind talking to Ted Koppel at 3 a.m.

Unfortunately, these intruders are significantly lower on the brain chain.

“I’m looking for a little bit of attention tonight,” is a message left on the Westbrooks’ answering service the other day by one Nightline caller. “I like males. I like females. I’m bisexual. My parents are pretty successful and I’m trying to be just like my father, who is a psychologist.”

Well, at least she has entertainment value. Many of the dialers simply hang up after Westbrook answers the phone. Others swear at him like it’s his fault and then hang up.

Westbrook once used his caller ID to dial back one of the profane oafs.

“Does it bother you that I was sound asleep when you dialed that wrong number?” he asked. Apparently not. The jerk called Westbrook a few minutes later and swore at him again.

All this has prompted Westbrook to switch his phone to an answering system at night, but he worries about missing important calls should an emergency arise.

Even so, Westbrook is bent on keeping his telephone number. He wants Nightline officials to change theirs, but that’s beginning to look like a long shot.

Joy Madden of US West’s executive offices said she can’t force another customer to change numbers.

Talking to an actual human at Nightline is only slightly less difficult than reaching Saddam Hussein. After I was put on hold for about six weeks, someone in customer service finally picked up the phone. He concluded that Westbrook should “get his phone number changed.”

Not bloody likely, said Westbrook. “I’m ordinarily an affable guy, but I’m also world-class stubborn. I’m not going to quit. I’ve got friends all over the world who have my phone number.”

Of course, Westbrook could get into the spirit of things. Married 40 years, he could probably offer these Nightline losers some valuable advice.

“Get a life,” he added. “There’s something infinitely sad about this means of trying to get close to someone. The definition of an unnatural act in 1999 is to leave your house and go to a public gathering.”