Bottom Lines A Satirical Look At Topics In The News

Sun., Jan. 17, 1999

By Jim Kershner jimkershner@comcast.net

William Jefferson Clinton! Get over here! Did you tell a fib?

I love the way the articles of impeachment keep referring to “William Jefferson Clinton.” You know you’re REALLY in trouble when Mom and Dad begin referring to you by all three names.

Daniel Webster and Henry Clay never used that particular word

The commentators keep saying how “historic” it all is. Sure, it’s historic. Never before has the word “genitalia” been used so often on the Senate floor.

The bipartisan spirit lasted hundreds and hundreds of minutes

The Senate’s spirit of bipartisan compromise was historic, too. Three days after it was announced, it was history.

Clinton engineers another convenient world crisis

Meanwhile, the Brazilian economy took a dive and threatened to spark a world economic crash. Just another transparent Clinton ploy to distract the Senate from its important work of defining the exact meaning of “sexual relations.”

Founding Fathers made Senate seats uncomfortable for good reason

Here’s our bold Bottom Lines prediction: The Senate will vote to end the trial early. Not because of the merits of the case, but because the Senators are already complaining about how hard it is to sit still and keep their mouths shut.

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