If You Ace This Test, You’Re Overqualified To Be Mariners Gm

Sure, you think you could have generally managed the Mariners as well as Woody Woodward.

Probably true. But the point is to be better than that, isn’t it?

The following multiple-choice test is designed to see if you have what it takes to be the next Mariners GM, or if you’re just another columnist or talk show host.

Answers at the bottom. Get everything right, and you earn an interview with Mariners president Chuck Armstrong. Get everything wrong, and you are Armstrong.

In evaluating the historic tendencies of Mariners pitching:

a) Always look at their records with teams after they leave the club.

b) Give little credence to the excuse favored by a generation of hurlers and managers, that the Kingdome was a destroyer of pitching careers, unless there is evidence provided that the strike zone in the Guilty Pleasure is different than at the old park.

c) The mathematical solution to how the last two seasons were squandered can be determined by calculating the ratio of opportunities given to Bobby Ayala over Derek Lowe, divide by the number of Cy Young votes this year for ex-Mariners Randy Johnson and Mike Hampton and subtract the number of players surrendered for Heathcliff Slocumb, Mike Timlin and Paul Spoljaric.

d) Realize that no young pitcher in manager Lou Piniella’s tenure has had a sophomore season as good as his debut year, so don’t count on Freddy Garcia, John Halama and Gil Meche being 60 percent of next season’s starting rotation.

To extend Ken Griffey Jr.’s contract, offer him:

a) Nintendo

b) Microsoft

c) His father as manager, his mother as mayor

d) Free-agent pitchers Aaron Sele, Mike Jackson and Graeme Lloyd, free-agent first baseman John Olerud, and whatever it takes to get Kansas City to trade outfielder Johnny Damon.

To extend Alex Rodriguez’s contract, offer him:

a) A passionate, short-term relationship with Catherine Zeta-Jones

b) A ban on doing more dippy radio commercials with Jamie Moyer

c) Boeing

d) A two-year deal at $35 million.

New Mariners CEO Howard Lincoln could help the ballclub most by:

a) Adopting the nickname “Hot Rod”

b) Making no further mention of the fact that his entire qualification for the job is that he is a fan

c) Being as ruthless and unsentimental in directing the franchise as he is at Nintendo, except when it comes to Edgar Martinez

d) Buying out all the minority partners and their spouses, so that ballclub officials don’t have to go through 30 e-mails each morning from the yahoos and their spouses who didn’t like last night’s pitching change or stadium bathroom cleanliness.

Jay Buhner needs to:

a) Spend an entire off-season in physical therapy hell

b) Ask Griffey if he needs a right fielder in Atlanta

c) Take a pay cut the size of Paraguay’s GNP

d) Get a job in the Mariners front office and never be allowed near a batter’s box again.

Since Armstrong insists on keeping the pitching-challenged Piniella, the presumed successor to pitching coach Stan Williams will not only be the club’s fifth in eight years, he must also:

a) Have enjoyed his time as Mike Tyson’s PR guy

b) Not be found at a Promise Keepers meeting attended by Piniella, as was previous office-holder Nardi Contreras c) Hide Piniella’s posters and memorabilia of Norm Charlton

d) Be either Ray Miller, the fired Baltimore manager who should have been here for two years had the Mariners made him a whopper offer in the fall of 1997, or Bryan Price, the club’s well-regarded minor league pitching coordinator.

Using the Ex-Mariner Principle of Postseason Elevation, the 1999 baseball champion will be:

a) Arizona, because of Randy Johnson

b) Boston, because of Lowe and Jason Varitek

c) The Yankees, because of Tino Martinez, Jeff Nelson and Allen Watson

d) Cleveland, because the Indians have more of the best ex-Mariners than anyone (Omar Vizquel, Mike Jackson, Dave Burba).

The correct answer to all of the above questions is, of course, d, although partial credit is available for many other choices.

Supplemental essay contest: In 500 words or less, defend the breaking of a promise to pay stadium cost overruns. Winner gets high-paying job from Seahawks owner Paul Allen.