Vigilante Acts Often Misinformed, Rude

Dear Miss Manners: Unfortunately, average American citizens have turned into vigilantes when it comes to handicapped parking spaces, feeling like they have the right to verbally accost others. Please remind them to shut up and mind their own business.

I am legally handicapped due to a non-observable medical problem. The state of California and my medical providers decided that I am entitled to a handicapped placard, which allows me to use handicapped parking spaces. The specifics of my medical problem aren’t anyone’s business but my medical providers’, the state of California’s and my own.

I have been shocked by fellow citizens who verbally assault me with questions about my medical problem and who challenge my right to park in handicapped parking spaces. The only people who should question me about these matters are police officers and, if I’m parking in metered places, a meter-person. All others are out of line.

My mother taught me to respect people’s privacy and not ask others about their medical problems. It’s too bad other mothers didn’t do the same.

It would be wonderful if you would remind Americans that if they feel that someone should not be issued a handicapped placard and/or should not be in a handicapped parking space, they are welcome to call the police.

Gentle reader: Ah, yes. Miss Manners is familiar with those who explain that the reason they are rude is that they are sensitive. It sometimes strikes her that the more sensitive people get about the feelings of others, the more unpleasant the society becomes.

She is most willing to remind them that vigilante attacks are often misinformed and always rude. As you point out, they can report any suspected violations to the proper authorities.

But you must allow her to throw in the admonition that another contribution to unpleasant society is the idea that you can be rude because you were treated rudely. Miss Manners trusts that your outburst about shutting up and minding their own business was not the way you phrased your response to their provocation.

Dear Miss Manners: I am a great-grandmother of 10 (and one on the way!), but I was placed in a situation I had never encountered when one of my grandsons called to say he was in town with his wife and their two small children and they were hoping to see me. Delighted, I suggested lunch at a very nice restaurant the following day.

When we met, they had a nanny with them for the 1-year-old. This was a complete surprise, as they never had had a nanny before, and I did not expect another adult as my luncheon guest. My grandson explained that the nanny was hired to facilitate the trip.

Am I wrong to consider this presumptuous behavior in bad taste? I resent the belated addition of an extra person and the assumption that the extra expense does not matter. Is it not essential to ask your hostess ahead of time about the addition of a nanny for lunch?

Gentle reader: Yes, but they had two reasons for doing so, both of which relate to you.

First, they were worried that looking after the children in the restaurant would interfere with their concentrating on you. One child or the other would always be asking questions or needing help, and sustained conversation with you would be difficult.

Second, they worried about the possibility of the children’s getting restless or tired. They did not want to subject you to embarrassment if the children started whining or trying to leave the table and wander.

If Miss Manners has succeeded in lessening your huffiness, she will admit that there was a third factor. That is that they, like many other families, cannot quite figure out where the nanny belongs in the family, being neither a servant nor a member. They brought her along because they couldn’t figure out how not to invite her, and unaware of how much she would have enjoyed a day to herself.