Key Moments Too Few Of Today’S Children Experience Traditional Rites Of Passage, Experts Say.
The Whelshula family is searching for just the right spot on the Columbia River. In two years, when Rio Whelshula turns 13, he’ll spend a night there alone, fasting, meditating and praying for guidance through adolescence.
Cree Whelshula, who’ll be 11, will do the same at her own special place. She’ll try to stay awake despite her fear of the dark.
Martina and Marty Whelshula hope the experience will give their children something they never had themselves as Native American youngsters - a formal way to usher in adolescence and celebrate growing up.
”They’ll come out with a sense of inner strength and faith that they can do it,” says Martina Whelshula, a member of the Arrow Lakes Nation whose family lives in Inchelium, Wash. ”They’re psyching themselves up.”
The Whelshulas agree with experts who say too few children experience traditional rites of passage anymore - that kids fumble through difficult developmental milestones with little guidance or recognition.
With or without much help from adults, kids will encounter life-shaping events: puberty, a first date, a first job, a driver’s license. They’ll decide whether to have sex or help friends empty a keg.
Some cultures mark the growing-up years with elaborate ceremonies, such as Jewish bar mitzvahs and Native American vision quests, that provide kids with challenges, honor and recognition of their progress. Other people consider their religious baptisms or confirmations rites of passage.
But far more kids come of age with no spotlight, applause or commemorative program to guide them.
Parents who create fulfilling rites of passage to adulthood make the journey much smoother and healthier, says family therapist Michael Gurian.
Kids will grow up stronger and on time because rites of passage force self-reflection, skills development and leadership, says Gurian, author of ”The Good Son.”
”Boys will grow up by 21 rather than becoming men at 40, which is what we’re facing now. A whole generation of males goes through their 20s as adolescents,” Gurian says. ”A chunk of that is because they’re missing rites of passage.”
Milestones are especially important today, when adolescence can seem never-ending. It starts sooner, with kids physically maturing earlier than they used to. And it no longer ends the minute a child can hold his or her own on a farm or factory line. College and advanced education mean some people are in their 20s before they’re financially independent - typically one of the last tasks of adolescence.
Some people believe children instinctively want to prove themselves through rites of passage. Adolescents use rites of passage to test themselves, find their strengths and visibly mark their progress toward adulthood. Without that opportunity, kids are more apt to test their growing maturity in other ways, such as drinking, experimenting with drugs or joining a gang, say rites proponents.
When adults ignore the importance of these rites, kids attempt to initiate themselves, says Stan Crow, who runs a rites-of-passage program in Bothell, Wash. For instance, young gangsters are given new names and responsibilities, instruction from older members and tattoos that serve as entry passes to neighborhoods.
”They are tutored, literally,” says Crow. ”There is a deep ritual in the gangs and finally a welcoming into the community.”
Heron Baumgarten, a junior at Lewis and Clark High School in Spokane, didn’t have to search for a passkey to adulthood.
Hers arrived in the form of a bat mitzvah, a rite of passage for Jewish girls about 13 years old. She spent five years learning to read and write Hebrew. As the ceremony drew near, Heron went to Temple Beth Shalom five days a week for rigorous training.
At her bat mitzvah, she became a young woman in the eyes of the temple community - trusted with leading worship services and saying blessings over the Torah.
Heron knows she didn’t become a full-fledged adult overnight, but she felt well on her way. ”The traits you learn, like self-motivation and dedication, are so important through every part of life,” says Heron, who’s 16 now. ”It’s sort of a core, and in teenage years, you really need a core.”
The United States ranks near the bottom when it comes to providing formal rites of passage for adolescents. Japan sets aside a national holiday to recognize those turning 20 each year. In Southeast Asia, Theravada Buddhists expect males to temporarily become monks before they’re considered ready to marry.
Here, some parents try to bridge the gap by sending kids to a growing number of camps designed around rites of passage.
Kyle Butler’s parents enrolled him in Crow’s three-week outdoor program called The Coming of Age Journey. At first, Kyle thought it sounded corny and referred to it as ”the concentration camp.”
Two years later, he says the experience changed the way he looks at himself. The ribbon-cutting symbolized leaving his parents. The hikes pushed him further than he thought possible. The overnight solo vigil tested his courage. The family reunion inspired him to map out his new responsibilities and privileges.
”You just grow up a lot on that trip,” says Kyle, a 14-year-old Spokane boy. ”Everything was just a test of all your abilities.”
The program is patterned after traditional rites of passage in many native cultures, in which children work to meet challenges; in turn, adults celebrate their maturity and welcome them into the world of grown-ups.
The oldest generation historically oversaw the process, says Raymond Reyes, academic vice president at Gonzaga University. But that’s not as likely today. If grandparents aren’t poolside in Arizona, chances are their offspring have moved to chase a career.
But rites of passage still can be used for handing down values and wisdom shaped by a lifetime of experience, says Reyes. ”It’s a way to transmit knowledge from one generation to the next. What rites of passage are all about is not only getting more responsibility; it’s about Personhood 101. It’s about learning to be a good person.”
Meg Cox believes adult messages can have a powerful impact when they are paired with rituals - not only traditional rites of passage but also celebrations that impart values as well as mark milestones.
Cox, the New Jersey author of ”The Heart of a Family: Searching America for Traditions that Fulfill Us,” suggests getting help outside the immediate family because rites are fundamentally about separating from one’s parents as part of the coming-of-age process.
Parents should think about what milestone they want to celebrate and what message they want to pass on. Then they should brainstorm ways to symbolize that.
Cox knows of a couple who give their four daughters gold bands when they turn 14. The girls take a vow of chastity when they put on their ”no-sex” rings. The oldest girl plans to remove hers on her wedding night and give it to her husband.
Lindy Haunschild of Spokane finds getting help outside the family is especially important for single parents like herself.
When her son, Matt Owen, turned 13, she asked a few trusted men to help out with a party and ceremony at Priest Lake. The night culminated when each guest strung a bead onto a keepsake necklace and offered a piece of advice about manhood. Haunschild also helps friends create ceremonies for daughters in their first menstrual cycles.
Matt Bergman advanced a notch in his family through a modern version of an age-old rite of passage: hunting. At 13, his dad gave him a Winchester lever-action rifle - an invitation to join the big guys on weekend hunts.
He cherished each ritual: completing the safety course, cleaning the gun, talking with his dad as they walked through the woods. The last day of deer season, he got his first doe.
”I wasn’t the baby brother anymore,” says Bergman, a physical therapist who’s 26 now.
His own son, Max, is only a year old. But Bergman already knows how he’ll acknowledge when Max is on the cusp of growing up. Max’s rite of passage - and their best conversations - will take place deep in the woods.