Don’t eat and run; stay for coffee

Dear Miss Manners: My husband and I have very different views on what is a proper amount of time to stay after dinner when we are dinner guests in someone’s home.

He wants to leave shortly after eating because he is uncomfortable, and I think it is rude to appear to “eat and run.” However, we both agree that we don’t know what a proper interval should be and how to leave without appearing rude or ungracious.

Gentle Reader: Why is your husband uncomfortable after eating? Should he be consulting his tailor about that?

If you are merely talking about the discomfort of having to hang around with people of whom he is beginning to tire, he is out of luck. Miss Manners is afraid that dinner guests must linger a bit rather than reveal that they came only for the eats.

“A bit” is more easily defined when the hosts serve coffee in the living room. It takes perhaps half an hour to serve and drink the coffee, after which you are free to go. When stranded at the table after the meal is long finished, it is necessary to ascertain that no relocation is planned, so it may take somewhat longer.

Not too much longer, however. You don’t want the hosts to begin to think that the guests came not just for the meal but for the duration.

Dear Miss Manners: My employer has offered to pay for tickets to a public event for each employee, his or her spouse, and his or her children, but has made it clear that others the employee wishes to invite will be at the employee’s expense. Since the event does not interest me, I had previously stated my intention not to attend.

However, a fellow employee has asked me to register, fraudulently, to attend the event, so that, apparently, when I fail to appear, the person in question can use my (ill-gotten) ticket for someone who does not meet the specified criteria. I suppressed, perhaps wrongly, my initial reaction, which would have been a somewhat indignant, possibly loud, “Excuse me?! You are asking me to steal from our employer on your behalf?!”

An alternative I am considering is to conveniently “forget” to register so that the fellow employee can be left in the position of paying at the gate. However, this person will likely follow up with me before the event, as my having failed to register will be on a viewable database.

Can you provide me an appropriate response? In the course of my continued employment, I must interact with this person, so I am at a loss as to what to say. Also, I’m baffled as to why this person would think I would comply, as I do not, I believe, give the impression of being larcenous.

Gentle Reader: Nor should you give the impression that your colleague is larcenous. Suppressing your initial reaction was a really good idea.

The approach Miss Manners favors is to assume that your colleague acted out of mistaken good will. You can then kindly explain, “Oh, I don’t think that’s what Mr. Boss meant when he was so generous. But I’ll ask him, and if it’s all right with him, I’d be glad to.”