Petal pursuers deserve their shot at stardom

Lately I’ve been addicted to those Outdoor Life Network shows in which macho guys go trekking in search of the wily elk, the swift antelope or the really, really dumb turkey.

My wife and I, too, seek out thrills in the mountains, but what we mostly seek is wildflowers. The adventure quotient is not exactly Hemingway-esque.

Still, I don’t see why OLN can’t cater to flower-lovers, too. So I have been fantasizing about hosting my own OLN show titled, “Pistil-Whipped: Stalking the Western Wildflower.”

Here’s how it would go:

Host: We’re here today in the beautiful Selkirk Mountains of North Idaho on a heart-stopping, adrenaline-pumping quest to track down the most elusive wildflowers of North America, specifically, the lovely and rare red columbine. Guiding us today is one of the leading flower-men in these rugged mountains, ace botanist Spike Mugwort. Spike, let’s start our expedition by telling the viewers about the gear we’ll be taking with us today.

Spike: We’re not taking any gear.

Host: Sure, there’s gear! There’s got to be gear.

Spike: We’re going to look at flowers. We don’t need any gear.

Host: Oh, come on. Aren’t there some, like, infrared scopes or something? Some flower-detection devices?

Spike: (Just stands there staring at narrator).

Host: Maybe a flower-call or two?

Spike: (Just stands there).

Host: Nothing? Not even a magnifying glass? For, like, counting sepals?

Spike: All right. We’ll take a magnifying glass.

The camera follows the host and Spike as they wind their way up a beautiful mountain trail.

Host: So what is the strategy today? What kind of technique will we be employing on today’s wildflower hunt?

Spike: (Slowly) Well … we’ll be walking up this trail and I’m going to show you some columbines, like you requested.

Host: Sure, but what our viewers want to know is what does the professional flower-guide know that the average amateur doesn’t? What’s the trick to bagging the red columbine?

Spike: Well, I guess the main thing is, I know where to find a nice patch of red columbines.

Host: Yes! That’s what it’s all about, this game of wildflower-hunting. So how do you know where the red columbines are? Is it mostly intuitive? Or just many long years of woodland experience?

Spike: It’s because I saw them up here yesterday.

Host: Right. A little of both.

The camera follows them up the trail. The host stops suddenly and points excitedly. The camera zeroes in on a pretty sunflower-like plant.

Host: Look! Isn’t that the thorny dickweed?

Spike: No. That’s the heart-leafed arnica.

Host: Are you sure?

Spike: There is no such thing as a dickweed. (Pauses and looks at host) Well, maybe there is. But that (pointing at flower) is a heart-leafed arnica.

The expedition continues up the trail. Soon we hear the sound of rushing water. Camera pans over a bubbling mountain creek.

Host: (Kneeling by creek and whispering intently) We’re getting very, very close. Spike is carefully approaching the spot where he saw the red columbine yesterday. It is crucial that we keep absolutely quiet and stay downwind at all times. We must keep unnecessary movement to the utmost mimim –

Spike: (Waving and shouting) Hey! Get off your duff and come over here! These are your red columbines.

The camera pans over a beautiful patch of columbines, sun-dappled in the forest light.

Host: (Still whispering hoarsely) Words cannot express the emotions I feel as gaze at these ineffably delicate flowers, thriving here in their natural habitat. These rare gems are –

Spike: No they’re not.

Host: Not what?

Spike: Rare. They’re not rare. You see ‘em all over these mountains. There’s also yellow and blue ones, too. You can’t go anywhere without finding them. People have them in their gardens all the time.

Host: Still, they’re very pretty.

Spike: Yes, that’s right. You’re absolutely correct.

The camera follows the host as he walks creekside, his hair attractively backlit.

Host: So I hope you enjoyed this week’s botanical adventure, and I hope you’ll join us next week as “Pistil-Whipped” treks to Bob’s German Restaurant and RV Park to seek the elusive –

Spike: (Yelling) Hey, watch what you’re doing. You just trampled the columbines.

Host: Sorry about that. (Picks up a crushed boom, rapturously sniffs it and stares soulfully at the camera). Tune in next week.