Call her on it if she acts at your expense

Dear Carolyn: My girlfriend of four years and I mutually broke up more than a year ago but have stayed close friends, albeit 2,000 miles apart (I left for grad school). Our future together is unresolved, as we cared deeply about each other and thought marriage was conceivably in our future but neither of us was ready to settle down.

As her friend, I have a different perspective on her personality than when we were dating, and I realize now that she is often selfish and self-centered, and looking back I see traces of that in our relationship. This is not deliberate on her part, but it bothers me more and more. Should I bring this up? How? Should this be a deal-breaker for a future “us”? – E.

Back to front – yes, gently, and no.

For the confused or impatient, the reason for all three is conveniently the same. No matter how deeply you care for her, it is not your place to fix her, or improve her, or mold her to fit your ideals – whether you’re together, back together, still broken up, or playing friends till you decide whether to get back together or stay broken up.

Think about it. That she is self-centered is merely your opinion, arising from the way you two specifically interact. Someone else might interact with her differently and see, or even bring out, a more generous side. Someone perhaps better suited to a future with her.

That doesn’t mean your opinion is worthless. Quite the contrary, since family, old friends and exes see sides of us no one else can, often to useful effect.

But what that earns you is license to call her on it when she behaves selfishly at your expense (see “gently,” above) – not carte blanche to “bring up” that you think she’s self-centered. Or, yo, you just stop being friends.

In a way, this is Divorce 101: How they happen, how to avoid one, and how to conduct one civilly if you’re too late for the preceding two.

Dear Carolyn: A coworker of mine is about to become a father and our department head has asked the department to pitch in for a baby gift (totally voluntary). This coworker and I have never seen eye-to-eye and barely speak. Frankly, I don’t want to give any money to this gift. However, our department is small, and it will be noticed if I don’t contribute. Am I wrong to contribute to this gift?

And this isn’t some sort of anti-kid thing either. All my friends have children and I admittedly lavish gifts on the rugrats. I really just don’t like my coworker and have never even met his wife. – A.M.

Think of all the people you’ve loved whose parents you’ve despised, or at least roundly disliked.

Now think of this wittle baby, aw, who has absowutewy no say in who Daddy is.

Now call it a sympathy gift and pitch in. Or, just a gift for the cause of giving.

Of course the real reason you give is so you don’t look peevish and cheap, but I figured a rationalization or two might make this ultimately self-serving chore feel like a little bit less of one. Maybe when it’s gift-giving time, they’ll serve cake.