The juice is mightier than the pen
Sure, I embraced BALCO. How could I not? Have you seen the sports columnist community lately? Mike Lupica – bulked up. Mitch Albom writes a best seller every three weeks about dead people. Stephen A. Smith barely could whisper his own name five years ago, much less shout it out every 15 minutes.
Heck, Kornheiser and Wilbon are so bloated from supplements, each one of them had his own float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade.
So, to keep up, I started on a daily diet of anabolic steroids, pro-hormone nutritional injections, ephedrine, human growth hormone, diuretic agents, erythropoietin and Krispy Kremes.
Alas, I’m off the juice now. Which means I can no longer write – well, maybe for USA Today. Thankfully, this is the time of year when everyone can use a little extra pocket change, so this week we present an emergency, expanded $1.25 Ask The Slouch Cash Giveaway:
Q. Did you watch the Heisman Trophy presentation? Or did you take Timmy Chang out to dinner and a movie? (Allan Lane; Parkersburg, W.Va.)
A. One day, after Mr. Chang becomes the first man to throw a touchdown pass in the NFL and lead the U.S. colonization of Mars, you will realize how foolish you appear.
Q. When it’s all said and done, do you think Curtis Martin will be the NFL’s all-time leading rusher? (Don McNeill; Bellevue, Wash.)
A. When it’s all said and done, we’ll all be 6 feet under, lying in eternity next to the coaxial cable lines that ruined most of our lives.
Q. With the use of lasers, distances between planets can be calculated, down to the centimeter. Yet football still measures forward progress by having three guys scurry about the field with two sticks and a chain. Why can’t the NFL incorporate the same technology used at the checkout line of my grocery store? (Gerry Eggleston; Anchorage, Alaska)
A. Actually, the chain gang harkens back to a kinder, gentler America, where boys could leave their bicycles unlocked on the front lawn and men could go to the racetrack without getting the third degree from some nagging, family-oriented spouse-type partner.
Q. Should the networks add a second NFL sideline reporter to give us complete coverage of both sidelines? (Wilbur Lazernik; Rockville, Md.)
A. On paper, this sounds like a good idea. But in reality, due to the dearth of sideline reporters being produced by our nation’s leading sideline-reporter schools, we don’t have enough sideline-reporter bodies to fill all the sidelines.
Q. I know you are a bit biased here, but when did poker become a sport, why is poker part of ESPN’s Top 10 plays and how did some fat guy who mumbles to himself with upside-down glasses and an iPod become highlight-worthy? (Jon Linkov; Bethel, Conn.)
A. I’m sorry, what exactly is the problem here?
Q. Is Jenny’s number still 867-5309? (Jeff Heldt; Westlake, Ohio)
A. Yes, though I believe there’s been an area-code split where she lives.
Q. Is your preference for Rolling Rock instead of Anchor Steam due to the fact you matriculated at Maryland instead of Duke? (John Choi; Cary, N.C.)
A. First of all, pal, I favored Latrobe, Pa., brew prior to going to Maryland – I even toured College Park liquor stores to check Rolling Rock stock before enrolling there. Second of all, I would’ve gone to DeVry before I went to Duke – nicer campus, fewer SUVs, better drivers.
Q. Is it better to have a good passer rating or a good credit rating? (Jay Hollis; Chicago)
A. Art Schlichter would’ve taken either.
Q. Can you reprint your rankings of the world’s top oceans? (Bob Finkel; Beloit, Wis.)
A. 1. Pacific Ocean. (This is inarguable, incontestable and irrefutable.) 2. Indian Ocean. (Perhaps the most underrated ocean of modern times.) 3. Mediterranean Sea. (Technically, not an ocean, but what a shoreline!) 4. Arctic Ocean. (Beautiful sunsets, never a crowd.) 5. Atlantic Ocean. (In its heyday, this was one sexy body of water.)
Q. There seems to be a lot of pressure to do away with smoking in bars. Will there also be a push to eliminate drinking and watching sports on TV in bars? (Bud Huston; Willoughby, Ohio)
A. If you can’t smoke and drink and watch sports in bars, what’s the point? Besides, we’ve already done that – they’re called libraries.
Q. You never write about NASCAR – do the wrecked cars and the smell of gasoline remind you of your ex-wives? (G.D. Richcreek; Fairfax, Va.)
A. Pay the man, Shirley.
Q. They’re talking about putting an asterisk next to Barry Bonds’ home run record. Shouldn’t it be a hypodermic needle? (Jerry Zober; Cleveland)
A. Oh, Shirley?
Q. Have you ever bluffed your way through a column? (Rich Manson; Strongsville, Ohio)
A. Uh, not that I can think of.