Stupidity, skanks and scandals, oh my! Kick 2004 to the curb with a recap of the year’s worst moments
For every yin there’s a yang, especially in the arts. Think about it. For every T.S. Eliot there’s a Rod McKuen, every Michelangelo a Leroy Neiman, every Billie Holiday a Britney Spears.
Put even more simply, for every dish of Cherry Garcia there’s a bowl of diet Jell-O.
The list of what appeals to us, versus what doesn’t, seems endless. And even if it isn’t, it certainly feels that way.
Looking for the artistic yangs that surround us is not mere negativism. How, after all, can you tell what’s good if you can’t recognize its opposite? In that vein, we offer the following, a menu of the Worst of 2004.
We’ve set it up in lists of seven, each compiled by a 7 contributor or staff member.
Worst 7 movie moments
Whoa, baby
A bikini-clad Jamie Lee Curtis, in “Christmas With the Kranks,” gets ogled by a priest (Tom Poston).
“Are you weeth heem?”
Rosario Dawson, as the bride of Colin Farrel’s “Alexander,” asks her new husband about his, uh, friendship with his childhood buddy Hephaistion (Jared Leto).
Felines, nothing more than felines
As the voice of Garfield in “Garfield: The Movie,” Bill Murray says, “I think … I’m going to blow cat chow chunks.”
J-Lo got off lucky
Raquel Castro, in “Jersey Girl,” interrogates her daddy (Ben Affleck) about his “intentions” concerning his new girlfriend (Liv Tyler) after finding them liplocking in the shower.
Detention city, dude
Emile Hirsch directs a pornographic movie during his Senior Prom in “The Girl Next Door.”
Right sentiment, wrong spot
Jon Voight gets kicked in the face by a super-powered toddler in “Super Babies: Baby Geniuses 2.”
Count me out
Meg Ryan, as fight promoter Jackie Kallen, gets an unaccountable standing ovation at the climax of “Against the Ropes.”
– Dan Webster
Worst 7 TV experiences
No one’s pal “Joey”
What could hold more promise than a new life in sunny California surrounded by family? Too bad Matt LeBlanc didn’t bring along his “Friends.” Or at least their writers.
Low-def in Spokane
Nothing is better than watching a football game in high-definition. I’ve been told Fox does it better than anyone. Too bad KAYU hasn’t joined the 21st century.
The new reality
Reality shows bite. No, just Fox’s reality shows. No, just Fox’s reality shows with the words “wife” or “boss” in the title.
Try making over a double-wide
This week: Ty and the gang milk the pathos of some down-on-its-luck family. Call me a cynic, but I always wonder if the “Extreme Makeover: Home Edition” house falls down a month later. And the family sues.
The hot seat
No, not the bit on “Sports Center,” Ellen DeGeneres’ couch. It is so hard to watch Hollywood celebrities squirm under Ellen’s intense questions.
“24,” 48, 72 …
Poor Kiefer Sutherland. A great show with a novel idea morphs into a good show and now is ready to morph into yesterday’s news.
It’s back, back, back …
Just when “West Wing” was rallying, President Bartlett goes down for the count. The scene rolling the wheelchair up an Air Force One aisle had to have Aaron Sorkin spinning in his gr … wait, he’s not dead. Just his career.
– Vince Grippi
Worst 7 general trends
Talking on cell phones while behind the wheel becomes even more deeply ensconced as an accepted part of daily life
The “Shut Up and Drive” bumper sticker has got to be the most widely ignored admonition since the Ten Commandments.
Ideological self-righteousness becomes inescapable
No matter which way you turn.
Advertising becomes even more ubiquitous
Internet spam, corporate-name bowl games and movie-rental stickers on fruit were bad. But talking urinals and parents naming newborns after products?
Society embraces vanity cosmetic surgery to an extent that is beyond parody
Wonder why some people think ours is a sick culture? You must not have read about mothers encouraging 15-year-old daughters to get boob jobs.
Though they tend to be shallow, preposterously packaged nitwits, showbiz celebrities and pro athletes continue to be a national obsession
But what’re you gonna do? Sex sells.
Mystified hand-wringing about obesity
Well, duh. Look at the way we live.
Bogus debates about decency
Janet Jackson at the Super Bowl … the “Desperate Housewives” does “Monday Night Football” flap … It sort of gives you the impression we just aren’t interested in talking about things that really matter.
– Paul Turner
Worst 7 celebrity trends
Celebs rocked by sex tape and nipple-slip scandals
And their publicists loved it.
Britney vies for Miss Congeniality title
Wow. Two marriages, public skankiness and a “pimps and hos” wedding – congratulations, Britney. You’re dirtier than Christina Aguilera.
Holla’ for Kabbalah
Demi and Madonna, er … Esther, are big-time believers. Yeah. And they’re also big-time spiritual role models.
Celebrities rewrite the baby name book
Phinneas, Coco and Apple are in for a lifetime of hurt.
Half of the Olsen twins needs a sandwich
Too bad Jesse, Joey and Danny weren’t there to turn this tragedy into a touching family moment.
Attack of the Bennifers
At least J-Ho didn’t wear white on her third trip down the aisle. And, sorry, Ben, but Jennifer Garner can doway better than “Jenny from the Block’s” leftovers.
Martha from C-Block
Give the woman a break. She’s complacently doing her time for what amounts to an overdue library book, while Ken Lay and Joey Skilling are sipping champagne while awaiting their trials.
– Tom Bowers and Rebekah Monson
Worst 7 music moments
Ashlee Simpson dances a jig to her “backup track”
What? A pop singer with no vocal talent?
Lollapalooza 2004 gives music fans the one-fingered salute
Thanks, Perry Farrell. Not like we wanted to see all of those kickass bands anyway.
The Cure cancels highly anticipated Curiosa Tour show at Gorge
Robert Smith subsequently was banned from future use of “bad hair day” excuse.
Haters claim the Dave Matthews Band is crappy; band proves them right
Dave and Co. allegedly dumped hundreds of pounds of raw sewage off a bridge and onto unsuspecting sightseers. Fans mistook it for latest CD.
Dimebag Darrell shot dead mid-performance
A moment of silence for one of metal’s most innovative shredders.
Dr. Dre jumped at Vibe awards while Young Buck literally cut and ran
Hey, don’t pigeonhole the whole rap genre because of a few bad apples.
Yeeaaaaah, Okaaay!
Lil’ Jon’s cracked-out- Cookie-Monster shtick earned him a fool’s spot in the forefront of rap entertainment. Director Spike Lee plans to tie him to a chair and make him watch “Bamboozled.”
– Tom Bowers
Worst 7 media trends
Radio conglomerates metastasize
Clear Channel inexorably moves toward its twin goals, (1) Filling the airwaves with crappy radio formats and (2) Utter global domination.
“60 Minutes” gets punk’d on National Guard documents
Note to Dan Rather: Most IBM Selectric typewriters were not, NOT, equipped with Microsoft Word “superscript” in 1970, in part because Bill Gates was still 15.
Everyone has a blog
Nothing wrong with that, except every blog is about either (1) Paris Hilton’s hotness, (2) President Bush’s “bulge” or (3) the darling antics of Muffin, the blogger’s cat.
Media bravely scrutinizes controversial war during election campaign
Too bad it was the Vietnam War.
Fox News trumpets high ratings for Republican Convention
That’s not fair. State-run TV always has an advantage.
Networks vow to get it “right” instead of “first” on election night
Which is why CNN tentatively plans to “call” the race as part of its Inaugural Ball coverage.
The Swift Boat Veterans for Fiction
It’s not about whether your charges are unsubstantiated and/or false. It’s about how many news outlets pick ‘em up.
– Jim Kershner