The Slice: Mr. Obsolete offers up his love lessons

Today’s teens may not realize it. But baby boomers are a valuable source of useless tips on the art of the summer romance. With that in mind, The Slice presents the first (and almost certainly last) installment of “Ask Mr. Obsolete Dating Advice.” You won’t believe the questions.

Dear Mr. Obsolete Dating Advice: “What’s the secret to not being all tongue-tied and anxious when you call a girl you really like?” — Nervous on the North Side

Dear Nervous: The big thing is to remember that you can always hang up if she actually answers the phone. I don’t mind admitting that there were times when hearing a certain 16-year-old girl say “Hello” struck terror into the heart of Mr. Obsolete Dating Advice.

Of course, now that I think about it, Caller I.D. kind of puts the kibosh on that chicken-out tactic nowadays.

Never mind. Stick to e-mail. Complaining about your parents is always a good ice-breaker.

Dear Mr. Obsolete Dating Advice: “No one in my circle of friends actually goes out on dates. But what would you recommend as an activity for, say, two guys and two girls who want to go out and do something.” — Curious in CdA

Dear Curious: Well, for my money, it’s tough to beat drive-in movies. And they’re perfect for a double-date because your buddy in the back seat can say, “Hey, will you two up there in the front scoot over next to each other so we can see the movie screen.”

Of course, one problem with that is the simple fact that drive-ins are all but extinct.

So never mind. Maybe the four of you could just hang out and listen to 8-tracks.

Dear Mr. Obsolete Dating Advice: “What is Boone’s Farm apple wine?” — Wondering in Deer Park

Dear Wondering: It is the devil’s elixir. Forsake it.

Dear Mr. Obsolete Dating Advice: “Did you have sexual tension back in your day?” — Manito Manchild

Dear M&M: Son, that’s practically all we did have.

Dear Mr. Obsolete Dating Advice: “Is slow dancing wrong?” — Ballad Lover in Bonners Ferry

Dear Ballad Lover: It is if you’re doing it right.

Dear Mr. Obsolete Dating Advice: “What if you really like a boy but he doesn’t know you’re alive?” — Invisible in Ione

Dear Triple-I: Well, my first suggestion is to reject contemporary fashion statements. Ultra-tight tops that reveal your midriff are a mistake. Same goes for low-riding pants that expose the tattoo on your backside. Back in the ‘70s, a girl who dressed like that would have been called, well, never mind.

Second, don’t be afraid to speak to him. Teenage boys tend to be poor mindreaders.

If he seems to be a gentleman, you could give him your cell phone number. That way, he can call you and hang up when you answer.

“ Today’s Slice questions: Who holds the stone-skipping record in your family? Where was this feat accomplished?