Dodgeball teaches joy of retribution
Tuesday night found me hurling violently behind a Spokane Valley tavern.
I know what that sounds like. However, no body fluids were expelled – although that would have been less painful.
The hurling I speak of involved globe-sized red rubber balls. The very orbs that once were the playground nemesis to a zillion nerds, sissies and four-eyed fat kids who probably still get intestinal cramps at the very mention of the word …
Dodgeball.
“Whappp!!”
“Yow! That stung.”
“Yer out, Clark.”
“Aw, crap! Somebody catch a ball and get me back in the game. I must have REVENGE!”
It’s amazing how a simple game of dodgeball will transform otherwise respectable adults into drooling, sadistic 12-year-olds. At the whistle, I found myself back at Franklin Elementary School, trying to knock the block off of one of my dweeby slow-moving classmates.
The so-called grown-ups chucking balls at me felt the same way. I could tell by the contorted looks of evil glee on their faces.
I had forgotten how much I love this beautiful game.
Shame on all the mush-headed do-gooders who have helped wimpify America by getting dodgeball banned from many of our schools. A child can learn so many important lessons playing dodgeball. How to duck, for instance. The joys of getting even …
Mastering dodgeball is also a great preparation for a career. As a Mafia hitman, for example. Or Army sniper.
Our field of battle was a paved alley outside Medley’s Lounge, a recently opened bar at 14415 E. Sprague Ave. I had come to take part in a trial run for Dodgefest, a double-elimination dodgeball tournament.
Who says one must travel to Athens to see live Olympic-level athletics? Dodgefest will be held all day Aug. 7 in special steel mesh cages set up in the Medley’s parking lot.
There is still time to be a part of this landmark event, but you must register your four-member team and cough up $40 by Monday. Besides the opportunity to inflict melon-sized welts on complete strangers, every player will get lunch and a commemorative T-shirt. (Call 509-218-1522 or 509-927-4555 for details.)
Call me loopy, but this could turn into Spokane Valley’s version of Bloomsday or Hoopfest. A signature event is exactly what Washington’s newest city needs in its uphill quest for civic respect.
Why not dodgeball?
The popularity of this fringe sport has never been higher thanks to the summer release of the Ben Stiller movie, “Dodgeball, a true underdog story.” Dodgeball leagues are popping up across the country. There’s even an American Dodgeball Federation. (Check it out online at americandodgeball.com.)
Phil Seifert admits he stole the idea for Dodgefest after watching trailers for the Stiller flick. Nothing to be ashamed of, Phil. Don Kardong didn’t exactly invent running when he dreamed up Bloomsday.
An unshaven bartender who is between jobs, Seifert seems uniquely qualified to direct a dodgeball tournament. He calls himself “Veradale’s version of Peter Pan,” a single guy who, at 39, never grew up. When I met him earlier in the day, Seifert was dressed for comfort in a tank top and ball cap sporting the logos of two bars, neither of which was Medley’s.
Seifert, however, lovingly calls Medley’s his home away from home. He has worked closely with the bar’s owner, Kristian Nelson, on Dodgefest.
Like most guys his age, Seifert recalls with fondness those simple, happy times when a dodgeball was a weapon of mass destruction. “We used to pick on the geeks,” he says. “Now I think we’re the geeks.”
Rest assured rules will be enforced. No holding. No headshots. No tackling. Other than that, it’s all good predatory fun for both women and men. The dodgeball cares not which gender it smacks.
Will Dodgefest be a hit or a miss? Seifert will make only one guarantee.
Dodgefest, he vows, “will be the Valley’s monument to stupidity.”