Spokane boots Tacoma out of second – maybe

Long smacked around like the slow, fat kid in a dodge ball game, Spokane is finally getting the love we deserve! This year our town has been dubbed: “ An All-America City (National Civic League). “ The country’s second most kid-friendly town for similarly sized cities (Population Connection). “ One of the seven most intelligent communities on the globe (World Teleport Association). “ A Tree City USA (National Arbor Day Foundation). “ Proud possessor of one of the nation’s top 25 Japanese gardens (Journal of Japanese Gardening). “ Nation’s number one metropolitan per capita consumer of cheese (Washington State Dairy Products Commission). Is it any wonder that starved-for-attention boosters of this burg have been seen pirouetting around our potholes with pride? But the self-aggrandizing doesn’t end here. “We’re number two! We’re number two. We’re number two…” That’s the sound of Spokane Mayor Jim West reacting to recent population figures that once again show Spokane to be the state’s second-largest city. A preliminary report from Washington’s Office of Financial Management puts Spokane ahead of smelly Tacoma by 600 souls. Sure, the U.S. Census Bureau says otherwise, putting us 200 people shy of Tacoma in numbers released Wednesday and reported by the Associated Press. But ask yourself, who are you going to believe: your local columnist or a bunch of pinheads from Washington D.C. So, all together now: Tacoma sucks! Tacoma sucks! “We’re number two and we try harder because of it,” said West, adding that he doesn’t want to be number one like “big huge Seattle megalopolis.” Especially the way the Mariners are playing. It should be mentioned that the aforementioned numbers have yet to be finalized or even authorized. In fact, the pages containing them were mailed to Spokane’s government earlier this month with the following bold-type warning from Chief Demographer Theresa J. Lowe: “The figures are provided for administrative review and are subject to change. They should not be released to the public or to the press until final.” West was too excited to wait. He burned me a copy Tuesday afternoon, which put demographer you-know-who in a cranky mood. “I can’t believe you have those numbers,” said Lowe when I called her. “I’m awfully sorry Spokane did what it did. The mayor’s office will not get these any more.” It’s sad when bureaucrats bicker. We need to stop the finger-pointing and give credit to the man responsible for helping Spokane reclaim its crown as Washington’s Second Rate City. That’s right. Me! You may recall that last July, I went to Tacoma on a mission to convince residents to move to Spokane. This was in response to federal census figures that showed Spokane slipping in state stature from second to third. It was a tragic moment. For the first time since I could remember, the Lilac City found itself looking up at Tacoma’s demographic backside by a population deficit of 1,248. This called for action. Armed with a suitcase full of “Spokane – Fun, Naturally” brochures from the Spokane Area Convention & Hot Air Center, I hopped on a plane to that so-called City of Destiny. I spent two days passing out Spokane hooey to Tacomatrons and ordering room service at my fancy hotel. Many of my co-workers were jealous that I could scam such a junket on the company dime. I think some apologies are now in order. “Without a doubt I am sure your trip has had an impact,” said Nancy Goodspeed of the Spokane Area Convention & Flapdoodle Center. Maybe my visit didn’t convince any Tacoma residents to move here. But I’m absolutely convinced my erratic behavior in downtown Tacoma would have driven away anyone who was considering moving there. Yes, it’s been quite a good news run for Spokane of late. Tuesday’s newspaper contained yet another point of pride that should appear in the next Spokane Area Convention & Hyperbole Center bragging list. “The number of liquor stores operating in the Spokane area is back to an all-time high as the Washington State Liquor Control Board aims to meet statewide customer demand,” stated the story. We can’t get too cocky, of course. There’s always a rotten banana hiding somewhere in the produce stand. For example, crime numbers that appeared in a story last May indicated that Spokane County had fallen from one of the state’s meth lab leaders to a seventh place tie with Skagit and Whatcom counties. Seventh place? Come on tweakers. Show a little pride! Just like I did with our population, you can get those meth lab figures back on top. Whew. Trying to help the city’s image has made me hungry. Anybody got some cheese?