Answer depends on how the kids reacted earlier

Dear Annie: Growing up, I lived far from my grandparents and saw them only a few times a year, but I have fond memories of these wonderful people. Lately, their health has rapidly deteriorated. They are in a home and barely communicative.

Last week, my family was traveling in the area, so I took my wife and children to visit Gramps and Gran. It was hard for me to see them so changed. My young kids were a little confused, but still warm and caring.

After the visit, my wife said that our children were never to see Gran and Gramps again. She said my grandparents are no longer the people they once were and she doesn’t want the kids to be traumatized.

I feel the kids should be allowed to come to the nursing home if they so choose. They need to learn about aging eventually, and it would be a greater loss if they never spent time with their great-grandparents when they had the chance.

I know my wife is reacting in part to her own childhood, where she was forced to visit a comatose grandmother every week for months. But I’d like your opinion, Annie. Should a 5-year-old be allowed to visit ailing relatives whom she doesn’t know well, although my stories still portray them with warmth and joy? Or should I visit alone and not permit my children to come even if they ask? – Dealing with Dementia in Canada

Dear Canada: The answer depends upon your children. Were they traumatized? If not, it is perfectly OK to bring them along for these visits, and when the kids are older, they will appreciate having had the opportunity to get to know their great-grandparents, even in a limited way. Of course, the children should be prepared for what to expect on these visits. On the other hand, if your wife has a problem seeing the folks in their aged condition, don’t make her feel guilty for staying home.

Dear Annie: My parents live in Florida, as do my brother and sister. I live in Texas. We all are adults with families of our own.

This past year, several hurricanes have battered Florida, and an issue came up that I never have seen addressed in your column. Is it my responsibility to telephone my parents and siblings to make sure they are OK, or is it their responsibility to call me? When Texas experiences bad weather, I e-mail my folks right away to tell them we are unharmed. Why can’t they do likewise?

Your reply will settle the disagreement. – Danny in Texas

Dear Danny: You are a considerate son to e-mail your folks the minute you have storms in Texas. However, when you care about someone, you don’t stand on ceremony when disaster strikes. Does it make you feel better to wait by the phone, wondering what’s going on, when you could simply pick up the receiver and find out? And in the midst of flying debris, your family members may have more immediate needs to attend to and the phone lines might not be working. Please don’t turn this into a petty argument over right and wrong. It doesn’t matter who calls first. The important thing is that someone calls.

Dear Annie: You printed a letter from “Greensboro, N.C.,” who questioned why salespeople ask, “How may I help you?” instead of “May I help you?” Those in service positions are taught never to ask a question that can be answered “yes” or “no.” Asking, “What kind of wine would you like?” produces more sales than, “Would you like wine?”

Understanding the psychology behind the question may help “Greensboro” sleep better at night. – Not Bugged in New Hampshire

Dear N.H.: Thanks for providing an insightful explanation.