Dad needs to see your eloquent letter

Dear Carolyn: I’m a 15-year-old girl and have a twin brother. I really love my Dad, but he has little interest in doing things with me. He spends lots of time with my brother every weekend, taking him to ballgames and playing golf and tennis with him, and they go on camping trips in the summer, but he never invites me. I recently got up the courage to tell him that I would sometimes like to be included, but he said that a father and son need bonding time and that I should be spending more “mother/daughter” time with my mother.

I’m really more interested in doing the kinds of things my Dad and brother do together, and my mother is not interested in them. And we do spend plenty of “mother/daughter” time anyway. He is a good father, and I don’t think he understands how much this hurts. My brother has all kinds of souvenirs in our room from the things they have done together, which are a constant reminder to me. How can I make my Dad understand that spending time together is just as important to me as it is to my brother? – Left Out

A pat on the back from a newspaperly stranger is no substitute for the approval you crave from your father, but here it is anyway: You express yourself beautifully. Clearly, directly, gently, and your point is well made.

So well, in fact, that I would advise you, for once in my eight years as an advice columnatrix, to “hand this column to your dad,” except that it’s such an egregious cliché.

If you happened to find yourself clipping this sucker and sliding it under Dad’s Grape-Nuts bowl, though, it wouldn’t be the worst thing. He needs to see, in your own words, how badly you’re hurting.

Just understand beforehand that you might not hear what you want – and, even more important, that it might not mean what you think. People do what they do for all kinds of reasons. Unfortunately, it’s human nature to think we know the reason, to think we are the reason, and to think it’s our fault. Keep an open mind, and please let me know how it goes.

Dear Carolyn: I’m a 20-year-old bisexual woman. I’m involved with another woman who’s very confused about her sexuality. She lies to friends and family in order to see me, which leaves her guilty and shamed. We love each other very much, though. I’ve never met anyone more supportive or genuine than she is. We know this can’t last forever, because she wants a husband, just as her family has planned for her. Are we being selfish in doing this knowing we are both going to end up hurt? – G.P.

Please tell me you know people more genuine than a woman lying to friends and family. And who’d marry a man despite her attraction to women, just because she’s afraid of herself.

That isn’t to fault her confusion – yet. Being (presumably) young and torn about something so huge gives her license to make her mistakes, even some big ones.

But the moment those mistakes take innocent victims – friends and family, if she keeps lying, or her poor future husband, if she’s gay – that’s selfishness beyond excuse.