Get this stuff out in the open with your fiance
Carolyn: I am getting married in a few months and I have a problem, which I see will recur every year from now on. My fiance’s family plans trips every year for the week of Christmas. They are usually far away, sunny, and very nice. Recently, I got “a notice” that they are planning the upcoming one. I think it’s very thoughtful to include me in their planning/notification.
However, why must they assume that I want to spend that week with them? Further, their child, my future spouse, is almost 30. Why would they assume he still wants to go? Now, I understand it’s a “free” vacation and all, but (1) I am an adult who may want to use that time (usually my only real vacation time) for myself or MY family, and (2) I don’t really enjoy spending time with his. I will say that my future spouse probably does want to go – as this is family and they have been doing this for a number of years. Can I opt out? – Confused
You can, but I’m going to save that for the grand finale.
First, they aren’t including you because they’re thoughtful; they’re including you because you’re marrying their son in a few months, and if they didn’t include you, they’d look like monsters with excellent tans.
Second, they aren’t assuming you want to spend that week with them; they’re saying they want to spend the week with you. Well, with their son (see above), but you get the idea.
I agree it would be presumptuous if they neglected to consider that you have family traditions, too, but, given the vagueness of their “notice,” the generosity of their offer, their son’s history of accepting it, and the unlikelihood they know your vacation time is so scarce, I also see room for forgiveness. Plus, having your dukes up makes it hard to apply sunscreen.
Third, you use the word “probably” in describing your fiance’s desire to join them. Yoo-hoo?
Your Christmas-with-the-in-laws problem will recur – you’re right. Exactly once a year. Marry someone from whom you withhold your true feelings, and those problems recur twice a day.
So, talk to him. About all this stuff. Admit, with sensitivity, that his family doesn’t do it for you. Explain how you feel about being chained to others’ traditions.
And while you’re there, throw in a discussion of whatever else has a “probably” in it that definitely shouldn’t at this point, like each other’s views on career, spirituality, children, money, fun, love, life.
Now that I’ve got my banana headdress on, here’s the finale. You can opt out of anything. It’s your life. But you have to be ready to pay whatever it costs to opt out. Your husband’s faith and support, for example, if you exclude him from your decision; your in-laws’ affection, if you (or they) won’t hear of compromise; your peace of mind, if you don’t choose your priorities well; your spot on the high ground, if you don’t articulate those choices kindly.
There’s no right or wrong, just true and untrue to yourself – and also fair and unfair, which is why you need to talk now.