Stay calm, cool and collected

Jennifer Roberts was changing her 3-year-old daughter, Ella, out of a leotard after gymnastics class when the toddler arbitrarily decided she didn’t want to get dressed.

Little Ella’s commitment to exhibitionism was so firm that Roberts was reduced to whisking the kicking and screaming child to the car in only underwear, all under the stunned gaze of parents and staff at a children’s gym.

“I was pretty much close to tears myself,” recalls Roberts, 35, of Indianapolis. “I remember calling my husband and saying I was going to need a break when I got home.”

Tantrums are a natural part of growing up. At some point, every child will throw one at home or in public. Don’t take them lightly, experts warn. How parents respond to them sets the tone for tirades to come.

“My strongest advice for parents is try not to get angry with them and react the same way they are, because then you lose control of the whole situation and the toddler gains control,” says Dr. Jim Jones, a child psychologist at Methodist Hospital in Indianapolis.

Tantrums can start at as early as 1 year old and continue through the preschool years.

“There’s so much going on at that stage,” Jones says. “Their language is exploding, and there’s so much they’re learning they can do, and so much they’re learning they can’t do, which can cause extreme frustration.”

At home, Jones suggests a timeout in the corner – one minute for each year of age – followed by a debriefing, so children understand why they were punished.

Lori Pillion-Baltrusis has seen many tantrums in connection with her job running preschool programs at an indoor baby playground at Indianapolis’ Children’s Museum.

Whirlwinds of fury there generally fall into one of two categories, she says. There are what she calls “satisfied customers” who erupt because they don’t want to leave, and “frustrated customers” who become enraged when they’re unable to complete a task, say, maneuvering a square block through a round hole.

One strategy that doesn’t work is trying to reason with the child, Pillion-Baltrusis says. “You can’t reason with a 3-year-old.”

Think how you feel when you’re wound up with emotion, Pillion-Baltrusis says. “I’ve been there as a 38-year-old. My frustration level gets pretty high when I can’t program the VCR. I just want to throw the remote through a window, but I don’t because I have verbal skills.

“They don’t.”

Avoid or at least moderate frustration tantrums by setting the child up for success as often as possible, Pillion-Baltrusis says. “That doesn’t mean you don’t ever challenge them, but give them opportunities to do well so they build confidence,” she says.

Head off “satisfied customer” tantrums by giving children a five- or 10-minute warning before it’s time to leave, Pillion-Baltrusis says. That way the departure doesn’t come as a shock.

Dr. Harvey Karp, an assistant professor of pediatrics at the UCLA School of Medicine, addresses tantrums in his book, “The Happiest Toddler on the Block,” (Bantam, $22.95).

The premise of the book is that toddlers are primitive, uncivilized little cavemen. “It’s no coincidence that the toddler in ‘The Flintstones’ was named Bam Bam,” he quips.

Ultimately, carrots pay off more than sticks, Karp says.

“There are generals whose troops obey because they know they’ll be shot if they don’t, and generals whose troops obey because they know that general would go to hell and back for them,” he says. “(The latter is) the kind of parent you want to be.

“Most kids behave not because they’re intimidated but because they want to be loved and they want to be in the parents’ good graces.”

Ann Douglas, author of “The Mother of All Toddler Books,” (Wiley, $15.99), suggests keeping a small trinket or toy with you at all times that can be used to distract the child in a pinch.

If all else fails, ignoring the tantrum is a standby that parents have relied on for years. If the tantrum is intended to generate attention, it’s unwise to reward that behavior by fussing over the child, Douglas says.

Don’t worry about what people watching will think.

“If they have children, they’ve been there and understand,” Douglas says. “If they don’t have children, they don’t get to judge.”