Friend fears for boy-bouncing pal
Q: My friend bounces around from boy to boy. She also chooses relationships with guys who are possessive and who give her everything – with strings attached. Did I mention she is only 20? She’s been out of high school for two years with something like 25 boyfriends behind her (or on top of her). How do I help her be more self-aware? I am afraid she is going to hurt herself.
Mia: I think you should mind your own business. It’s not your job to “help her be more self-aware.” Do I detect a little playa hatin’ going on?
Steve: Having 25 boyfriends in two years is a bit much, even for a 20-year-old. You have to hope that maturity will kick in at some point, but unless your friend realizes she has a problem and seeks your help, there’s nothing you can do.
Q: I’m a high school senior and would like to ask a girl to the prom. But I am quite shy and the girl doesn’t know me very well. I can’t think of anything to say to her to make her like me. Can you suggest anything?
Steve: How about what every girl wants to hear, “Hey, baby, want a ride on the back of my motorcycle?” If you don’t own one, I’d suggest saying something nice about her, her hair or her clothes. That will take the spotlight off you and allow her to talk a bit about herself. Then just go with the flow.
Mia: And if the flow is a no-go, don’t get down about it. Just ask someone else. Keep asking until you get a yes – or else go stag.
Q: About three years ago I finally ended a really bad marriage. I pretty much decided I wouldn’t marry again, but for the past year or so I’ve been dating a really good woman. Now I wonder if I should take the plunge again. I can’t stand the idea of being wrong a second time, but I know it is impossible to predict the future. How should I approach this?
Steve: I believe it was Oscar Wilde who observed, “Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.” I say, keep hope alive!
Mia: Whoa, dude, what’s the rush? You haven’t been divorced even five years yet. Why not slow your roll a bit and get to know this woman – and yourself? Maybe a little therapy might be in order. You need to make sure that you’ve really absorbed the lessons from your past marriage before jumping into another. Hope is one thing, but so is common sense.
Q: I’m writing this letter from jail. I get out soon and have been writing to a woman I’ve known for quite a while. She and I used to get high on crack, but we’re both clean now. I write her letters and my feelings for her are strong. When I get out, should I try to hook up with her immediately or should I wait?
Mia: Does she want to resume a relationship? If so, can you do that without falling back into old patterns of getting high? If there’s the slightest chance that being with her could cause you to relapse, you should find someone else.
Steve: Maybe you’ll reinforce each other’s recovery – or maybe create greater temptation. If you yield, you’ll probably wind up back inside. Go solo until you’re sure you – and she – have the mental discipline to stay clean.