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The Spokesman-Review Newspaper
Spokane, Washington  Est. May 19, 1883

She must decide if she can trust he’ll reciprocate

Carolyn Hax The Washington Post

Dear Carolyn: My fiance and I have been together more than a decade, lived together the last seven years and been engaged a year. I wanted to get married many years ago, but my fiance, who grew up with the bad example of his parents’ failed marriage, did not want to “rush,” and so I waited. In the meantime, his siblings met and married their spouses. Everyone already considers us basically married.

The problem is, I am totally not excited about a wedding. After years of wanting for us to be happily married, I haven’t done anything to set a date, and everyone just wants us to “seal the deal already.” I always imagined a big, happy wedding and lots of excitement from everyone – every bride’s dream. But now a wedding just feels like a charade. Everyone just wants us to get it over with, so how can I get excited with that attitude? I don’t even want to take his name anymore. How do I get out of this rut and start planning the party I feel we deserve? – Conflicted in California

Being the center of attention may make a happy bride (debatable, but fine for the sake of argument). But for a happy wife, it’s being at the center of a commitment.

You’re a bride for a day.

And you’ve spent more than a decade dreaming of, planning around and pushing for that day.

So I don’t think the key to “the party I feel we deserve” is to do more dreaming, planning or pushing. It certainly isn’t to push for more enthusiasm from the “everyone” you point to – four (4) times – as the source of your attitude problem.

Instead, please think for a moment (and then another, and then another) about the commitment you’re making. The commitment you’ve essentially made, without really making it, while you waited, tick-tick-tick, for your big moment.

Please think about your decision to mention in your letter that your fiance’s siblings all made commitments during the time he was using his family as an excuse for not committing. You are angry, perhaps?

And skeptical of his reasoning?

And skeptical of your own in sticking by him?

And both with good reason?

And this has affected your feelings for him?

And so you’re not sure any cubic yardage of tulle, rose petals, or buttercream can spackle over the gash in your plans?

You’re right. It can’t.

But a thoughtful decision can, either to free yourself to admit you’re no longer in love, or to free yourself to invest your whole self in his – and trust him to reciprocate – with zero regard for the cake.

Dear Carolyn: I’ve been dating a guy since February who seems to think it’s OK to either be late for dates or not show up at all, which leaves me standing around feeling like a moron. I’ve asked him to call me when he does this, but he just laughs it off. Is there a way to impress upon him how incredibly rude this “habit” is, other than the numerous discussions we’ve already had? (I did the same thing to him, but it didn’t bother him.) – Reader

Dump him. That will impress the unacceptability of his behavior upon the exact soul who needs to see it: you.