Fruit basket fresh as our new mayor

Unto us a new mayor is given.

And, lo, Spokane shalt call his name Hession.

OK, I realize Council President Dennis Hession’s ascension to mayor hasn’t reached the swearing-in stage – yet. On Monday night, the City Council took a step down that road by appointing Hession to fill the remaining two years of recall-banished Mayor Jim West’s term.

But it’s the Christmas season, dammit, so allow me my merry metaphor.

Besides, I felt like one of the wise men as I rode the City Hall elevator to the fifth floor Monday morning, bearing gifts. Hession, lean and crisp in his dark suit and power tie, ushered me into the mayor’s office where I presented him with my offerings.

No frankincense or myrrh for this wise guy.

I gave him a fresh fruit basket. After the Jim West sex scandal, it’s time the state’s second-largest city had a strong mayor who could offer a visitor a banana without making a headline.

Hession accepted my gift with a grin.

I took it as a positive sign that he didn’t call in Deputy Mayor Jack Lynch to act as a taster.

Hession: “Clark brought me a fruit basket. Take a bite of this apple to see if it’s poisoned.”

Lynch: “Gawd, do I have to?”

Hession: “Do it!”

I also handed Hession a festive card. It read:

“May good luck stay with you and bring you success and happiness in all you do!”

That’s me, bringing sunshine and smiles to Spokane government.

Well, I’m trying. I don’t know if any of you have noticed this, but I haven’t had the best luck with Spokane mayors.

Oh, it always starts off promisingly enough. A new mayor comes on board. We shake hands. We exchange pleasantries.

And then, like Nick and Jessica, our relationship sours into a curdled bowl of bad.

In 1989, Mayor Vicki McNeill proclaimed Doug Clark Muckraker Journalism Day.

Whenever I see former Mayor Jack Geraghty, he gives me this pinched smile. It looks more like a gas pain-induced grimace.

The last time I saw Sheri Barnard, she told me to “clam up!”

And John Powers?

I pray I never run into that man in a dark alley.

Sometimes in moments of reflection and introspection, I ask myself:

“Could it be me? Am I to blame? Could my anti-authoritarian, sarcastic nature be the cause of all this ill will?”

Naw. It’s all their fault.

Now comes Hession. I asked him if he is itching like a heat rash to take the helm.

“I don’t see this as a personal opportunity,” he told me. “I see this as an opportunity for Spokane.”

Dennis, could you be any more boring?

But to paraphrase President Kennedy: What can you – Mayor Dennis Hession – do for Doug?

I’m a realist. I’m not looking for the guy to go Jim West crazy. That would be way too much to hope for.

I’ll settle for the classics: A bit of graft. A dash of extortion. A streak of public nudity. …

You know, something I can use in a new mayoral parody song.

Let’s see. What rhymes with “Hession”?

Repression. Depression. Transgression. …

Hession told me he is confident that he would not supply me with the fodder I crave.

Yeah, yeah. That’s what all the one-term mayors said.

Well, call me a dreamer. But I believe in Hession. I think that underneath that starched white collar beats the heart of a mayor who can make a certain columnist’s Christmas wish come true.

I liked the firm way he shook my hand. I liked the steely way he looked me straight in the eye. And I had to laugh when he spoke four words that no Spokane mayor has ever before said to me.

“Thanks for the fruit.”