Take a few steps back, see how serious it is

Carolyn: I am getting married soon and don’t know if I should include one of my bridesmaids in the bridal party anymore. Since I announced my engagement, she has been acting very unlike herself and has done several things I consider disrespectful. We have had a couple of conversations about her actions, my feelings, her feelings, etc. After each conversation, I leave feeling better, hoping her interaction with me regarding the wedding would improve, but each time she manages to “mess up.” Would you remove your friend (someone very dear) and if so, what is the “proper” way to go about it? – San Antonio

First step, stop taking your wedding so seriously.

Second step, stop taking yourself so seriously.

Third step, stop taking your friend so seriously.

Fourth step, see if your friend’s behavior still strikes you as “disrespectful,” and if it does, repeat steps 1-3. (Unless this is your second time through, in which case, proceed to step five.)

Fifth step, ask yourself if having this friend do absolutely nothing except stand next to you in an overpriced unflattering shimmery dress is really such a terrible thing to endure. Proceed to step six only if the answer is yes.

Sixth step, see if it’s possible to render her dress even less flattering. If that doesn’t make you feel better about her service as your bridesmaid, proceed to seven.

Seventh step, explain to friend that you’re hurt by her behavior and would rather she attend the wedding as a regular guest.

Carolyn: I’ve never wanted to live with a man before marriage – for a variety of reasons, none of which has anything to do with morality or my parents. My boyfriend has always considered living together to be an important step before marriage, especially since he moved in with a woman he thought he was going to marry and they ended up breaking up. We’ve known of this difference of opinions from early on but ignored it because it was the only real issue between us. But now we are at that point: He’s ready to move in together and I’m ready to get engaged. We’re stuck! What to do? – Washington

Seems to me that getting engaged and then moving in is a solid compromise – you’ll be farther from marriage than you want and closer to marriage than he wants.

But if it’s not about his feeling strongly about living together first, and instead it’s just that he doesn’t feel ready to marry you yet, then there’s no compromising to be done.

So, basically, if he’s not willing to compromise, then you’re not the girl for him. At least not yet.

Carolyn: If it isn’t about morality in regard to moving in with someone, why the need for an engagement? – D.C.

Because some people happily see living together as an end in itself, and this can be torture when the cohabitant believes in marriage. So, I think it’s important for couples to embrace each other’s view of the future before the relationship advances to the corrugated-cardboard phase. These two posters aren’t on the same trajectory, so, no cardboard advised. But hey, that’s just one opiner’s opinion.