‘04 ‘Bloopers’ signals the end of ‘05
You know when ABC trots out a 2004 edition of Dick Clark’s “Extreme Bloopers” (8 p.m., ABC) that the calendar year has come to its exhausted conclusion. Yes, it’s time to stick a fork in 2005. It’s done.
In the spirit of the new year, here are some resolutions and words of advice for our friends, the networks.
It’s difficult to give advice to CBS, the ratings colossus. A combination of reality evergreens and roughly five thousand hours of “CSI” spinoffs have put the Eye network in an enviable position.
All the same, it should resolve to prepare for a time (and I sure hope it’s soon) when people get sick of cadavers. But until then, who’s to argue with success?
ABC doesn’t need my advice, either. Two years ago it was the fourth-place network that couldn’t seem to let go of “Drew Carey.” Over the past 15 months, it has churned out “Desperate Housewives,” “Grey’s Anatomy” and “Commander in Chief.” Not too shabby.
But if I were in charge at ABC, I’d resolve to pull the plug on “The Bachelor.” Enough is enough. Save the world a couple billion flowers and candles.
And “Desperate Housewives” may be heading for a fall. Some of the stories have gone from quirky-funny to just plain dumb. I can’t put my finger on the moment “Housewives” jumped the shark, but the time when Carlos fell for the nun is as good a guess as any.
In many ways, Fox remains the most ambitious and problematic network. Even its failures (“Reunion,” “Arrested Development,” “The Tick”) are interesting. And who can forget “Point Pleasant,” the soap about Satan’s daughter?
But Fox’s problem isn’t its myriad ambitious bombs, but its dangerous dependence on a single show. Dear Fox: Resolve to transcend your “American Idol” addiction, or at least develop a new one to tide you through your “Idol”-less hours.
NBC’s problems could fill a whole column, so let’s just focus on the product placements. They’re out of hand. Get this under control before people start calling you QVC.
“Everybody Hates Chris” has put UPN on many people’s radar. But the network’s comedies still rely on too many cliches.
Drop any show whose scripts contain the following elements: weddings, cold feet on the way to the altar, bachelor parties, bachelor auctions, two characters “doing it,” Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas.
My advice to the cellar-dwelling WB? Set a schedule and stick to it. It’s hard to argue that UPN’s shows are better than yours, but people know where and when to find them.
OK. Enough scolding. Let’s raise a glass to 2006. And 365 nights of television to criticize.
Other highlights
A D.A.’s daughter is kidnapped on “Criminal Minds” (8 p.m., CBS).
Love is blind in the 2005 comedy “Shallow Hal” (8 p.m., Fox), starring Jack Black and Gwyneth Paltrow.
A comic grows in Brooklyn on “Everybody Hates Chris” (8 p.m., UPN).
An apocalyptic cult on “CSI” (9 p.m., CBS).
On back-to-back episodes of “Will & Grace” (NBC), emotional rescue (9 p.m.) and Stanley redux (9:30 p.m.).
Scheduled on a two-hour “Primetime” (ABC): rewinding 2005 (9 p.m.) and the legend of Pope Joan (10 p.m.).
A messy hearing drags Jack’s private life through the mud on “Without a Trace” (10 p.m., CBS).
A mother’s (Cynthia Nixon) mystery ailment on “ER” (10 p.m., NBC).
Cult choice
A neglectful father (Michael Keaton) dies on Christmas Eve, is reincarnated as a creepy-looking snowman and revisits his family in the peculiar 1998 fantasy “Jack Frost” (8 p.m., Family).
Series notes
True feelings revealed on an hourlong episode of “Joey” (8 p.m., NBC) … Clark takes a bullet on “Smallville” (8 p.m., WB) … Clea’s past on “Love, Inc.” (8:30 p.m., UPN) … Something borrowed and someone busted on “Eve” (9 p.m., UPN) … Wrongly accused on “Supernatural” (9 p.m., WB) … Feeling unappreciated on “Cuts” (9:30 p.m., UPN).