Resolve to save New Year’s Day customs
Fresh from their alarming war on Christmas, the godless heathens are taking aim at our sacred New Year’s Day customs. I call on all patriotic Americans to rise up and defeat this nefarious plot.
Radical atheists will insinuate that we opinion leaders have ginned up the battle over New Year’s to draw your attention away from the mounting death toll in Iraq, the lagging reconstruction of New Orleans, rampant corruption in Congress, staggering federal deficits and reverse-Robin Hood fiscal policies that would bring tears of joy to Marie Antoinette’s eyes.
But to the argument that this is merely the latest bit of cynical misdirection from the intellectually bankrupt chattering classes, I say: Hey, look—a bunny!
Pointy-headed, evolution-loving scientists fired the first salvo in this battle by announcing they’re adding a “leap second” to the end of this year.
It’s not bad enough that Dick Clark’s been kicked to the curb. Now we’re supposed to count down from 11 on New Year’s Eve? Not on my rockin’ watch we’re not!
(Wait until some liberal activist judge tries to bump that extra second up to a full “leap minute.” I’m sure it’s just a matter of time.)
Many other fronts demand our attention in this rapidly escalating conflict as well. For instance, some U.S. households—and even entire communities known for their tasty cuisine and knockoff designer handbags—won’t celebrate the New Year until Jan. 29. Great Neptune, that’s almost Super Bowl time!
Don’t those who stubbornly insist on honoring their own cultural heritage by marking the so-called “Chinese New Year” realize this country was built on a proud Julian-Gregorian foundation?
As we all learned in preschool, North America’s Spanish colonies followed the Julian calendar decreed by Julius Caesar until switching in 1584 to the Gregorian reform calendar issued by Pope Gregory XIII. (You kids probably know him as P. Greggy.) Our British colonies stuck with the good old Julian until 1752, and the territory now known as Alaska didn’t make the change until 1867.
But now our proud Julianic traditions—the ceremonial dressing of the Caesar salad, the midday break for a refreshing Orange Julius, the New Year’s Eve celebration of Bacchus followed by mad dashes home in our Saturns and Mercurys—are under siege by the secular humanist forces of darkness. How long until they start making fun of our Julian Lennon CDs?
This insidious attack even encompasses the greetings we extend to each other. Already, I have received several Season’s Tidings cards that fail to acknowledge the glory of New Year’s Day. And to think that I called those anarchist freaks my friends. And grandparents.
Recently, a convenience-store clerk ordered me to “Have a nice weekend” instead of wishing me a hearty “Happy New Year.” I demanded to know who’d gotten to her, but she just threw a bag of Skittles at me. She’ll taste the rainbow of my wrath someday!
Whoever put those words into the clerk’s mouth must be a busy little holiday saboteur, because that terrible generic salutation is epidemic as we near the end of the week. The city’s full of TGIF pushers as well.
I’ve heard rumors that some folks plan to heat up this linguistic shooting match even more by wishing us a “Happy Hanukkah” on both New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day. But before you boil over with righteous indignation, I urge you to stay focused and calm.
After all, we must prepare for the inevitable war on Groundhog Day.
Frank Sennett’s weekly take on the nation’s alternative press airs on Spokane Public Radio. Hard 7 covers the culture of local politics and the politics of local culture. Contact Frank at (509) 744-5700, or altsourceradio@yahoo.com.